Oh my goodness...I just realized my last blog post was my 100th post!
I had thought of all the things I wanted to say if I ever made it to 100...and then I forgot to keep track. Something just made me look though so I'll share those things now.
I started this blog during one of the worst times of my life. My life hasn't been all sunshine and daisies - has anyone's?
In case you are new here, I'll try to do a quick recap of my life so far...
I grew up poor, white trash. And don't get mad at me for saying that. And we weren't white trash because we were poor or lived in a trailer. Economics had nothing to do with that. But anyway, it is what it is. My childhood was far from happy. I was constantly let down by those people that were supposed to love and protect me. And yet somehow, I never gave up hope that my life could be better.
I went to college (paid my own way and there is definitely more to that story) and I met a boy. I didn't mean to fall head over heels for Dean but I did. And in spite of (or perhaps because of) many trials and tribulations, we were happy for a very long time.
Until we weren't. Or at least I wasn't. And I tried to fix it. I really did. But it's hard to fix a problem when only one person sees it.
So after nearly 15 years together and two amazing boys, I left. And man that was a tough time. But I was prepared for it. I had been unhappy and trying to fix things by myself for 2 years (and 6 months with him). I didn't go from happily married to divorced. There was definitely a progression. Regression?
I lost friends. Some I thought had been very good friends. I just assumed that's what happens in a divorce. I didn't ask anyone to choose sides. But they did.
It was hard. I had never expected to be divorced. Does anyone? I meant forever when Dean and I got married. But our definition of happily married wasn't the same anymore and leaving was the right thing.
Just because it hurts or is hard doesn't mean it is wrong.
And right as my marriage was imploding, I met Daniel. And there was no chemistry at first but we were instant friends. I could tell him anything without judgement. He encouraged me to stay married and make it work. But he supported me when I couldn't keep lying to myself anymore.
And he laughed at my would-be matches when I started dating. We talked about the dates I went on. And eventually, we knew we should be together.
YES there were warning signs and YES I listened to them. I knew his history. But he made me believe it was different with us.
God I feel like such a cliche writing that.
But yes, I fell hard. I trusted him implicitly. We had a open, honest relationship with each other...no need for secrets (but not THAT kind of open either). He could tell me anything. He could do what he wanted. I never tried to make him feel like he wasn't allowed to have a life outside of me.
And we were married for what I considered the best 10 years of my life. And it wasn't about the vacations or the car or the house or any other material thing. It was because I was with my best friend. And even when I knew we were having a rough patch - I knew something was bothering him, he just wouldn't tell me - I was still deeply in love and happier than I ever thought possible.
It is important that you understand that. It is important to understand that as of 8 am on February 5, 2019 I was happier than I had ever been in my life. I was married to my best friend. My heart literally skipped a beat when I thought about him.
Yeah it was bumpy at the moment and we (or I least I was under the impression it was WE) were looking at possibly moving to Connecticut. And that wasn't something I was excited about. But we were together and I knew we would get through it.
And approximately 30 minutes later my world came crashing down around me. My best friend walked out the door. He no longer cared about me at all - I could see it in his face. Literally any feeling he ever had for me was gone, entirely replaced with apathy.
There isn't a big enough word to express the devastation I felt. I couldn't breathe. Even now, just writing it and reliving it I am crying. Because I was so hurt. I never feel like I can properly put into words the utter devastation I felt.
And the worst part was I wanted to talk to my best friend. And he didn't care anymore.
There's more tales of woe and devastation...the next day even worse because that's when I found out he had been having an affair. I didn't even consider that a possibility. I was heartbroken because I thought I got too fat or boring for him but I never NEVER thought he was cheating on me.
Again, cliche much?
But I leaned on my friends. And Susie rushed to be by my side. And Magan didn't hesitate to drive from Dallas to Austin - dropping everything - to spend a couple of days with me. I'll never be able to express enough gratitude for what they did for me.
And others reached out to me. Some via phone or text...even Facebook IM. And I cannot tell you how much it meant to me that you all cared enough to reach out. And I know in my heart that every single one of you meant it when you said I could call you day or night.
But that's a hard thing to do isn't it? To call up a friend when you are trying desperately to cry yourself to sleep at 3am. Or ask someone to come and sit with you while you cry because you just can't do anything else and the house is so big and quiet and you are all alone.
Because even when you know they mean it, you still feel like a bother.
I was just so sad. And lonely. I didn't want to be around me, my husband certainly didn't, so why would anyone else?
And I am ultimately a happy person. I don't know why. It certainly isn't in my gene pool. But I do always try to see the bright side. I believe in looking for the silver lining. And even when people abuse me or take advantage of me or let me down I will keep on giving them another chance because I want to believe people can change. I want to believe they will be better.
But those first 6 months of 2019 were a beating. I was exhausted from being sad all the time. And I would have little pockets of happiness but they were brief and everything around me just reminded me of what all I had lost.
So I started blogging via Facebook notes. It was a way for me to cry out loud to anyone that wanted to listen without me having to ask them to. And it was so cathartic. He wouldn't talk to me so I could put it out there everything I wanted to say to him and more.
And you listened. And you told me you were listening. I would read your words of encouragement or support over and over again when I was crying instead of sleeping. Sometimes I would re-read text or IM conversations. Over and over again.
Even though I never felt strong or brave or any of the other kind things you called me, I could believe it for just a second. Every time I read your words.
Words have so much power.
And a few people told me that what I was saying was helping them too. What I was writing was helping people other than myself. And then after an amazing weekend in New York with Peggilee, I decided to go for it and really put myself out there.
I don't know if anyone other than my Facebook friends read this. Hell I'm not really sure how many of you are still reading this. And that's ok too. Because I still take comfort in writing. And I will continue to write as long as I can find value in it.
These 100 posts have meant the world to me. This blog helped me see the silver lining in my darkest days. Thank you for listening and encouraging me.
Each one of you reading this has my love and gratitude.