Is anyone there?
I'm depressed. And no I am not being flippant. And I don't mean like the devastating sadness of 2019 either.
I mean the near debilitating, can't get out of bed depression.
I legitimately will lay in bed for HOURS after I wake up. My typical day has become sleep in until 10 or wake up at 8, but don't get out of bed before 11 most days.
Not all, but most.
I will then usually make my bed because it at least keeps me out of it. Tie back the curtains for sunlight.
Then I go to my computer and search for a job. This does not ease the depression.
I had to stop searching using any kind of keywords or proximity just to get options. So I pour through hundreds of listings a day. Which isn't quite as difficult as it sounds since a vast majority of the listings are nurse/medical jobs.
I might be applying like a man now but I still can't work as a nurse.
And I am applying like a man - I have to. Literally every job says degree required (in the salary range I need). It hasn't seemed to help.
I did finally get some sort of response this week. The first one was a company found my resume on ziprecruiter and thought I would be a perfect candidate for their open loan processor position. That pays $30k and requires going to the office.
I said thanks but I cannot take a pay cut of nearly half and increase my daily expenses by going into the office at this time.
Of course, ask me in 6 months...
But also how are you going to approach a loan processor with over 10 years experience and pay barely above minimum wage?
The other was an email I received stating I had a zoom interview today at 8am for a job that could be one of 5 or 6 options listed. But the email was riddled with red flags not the least of which was it came from a personal email account, not a business one. And secondly upon investigating the person with whom I was to be interviewing, there is no online record of this person at the company at which she is allegedly employed.
This sort of thing really pisses me off.
So yeah. Job search is going great.
I thought I had a part-time processing gig via a former loan officer but even that seems to be a bust.
I started researching going back to school just to get a degree - any degree - but the thought of that just makes me cry with anger because why should I have to go deeper into debt just to prove I can do a job I am more than capable of doing?
Specialized degrees I get. I can't be a lawyer or nurse just because I think I can. But the majority of listings that say degree required are definitely something I can do - which is why I apply anyway.
Apply like a man.
Have I mentioned this before? My friend Meri told me this and then later I read it in an online article. And when I just now went to fact check the article several others popped up with similar stats. But essentially women will apply for a job they 100% qualify for, while men will apply with just 60% of the qualifications.
But it isn't easy.
And you should see the pay range I'm applying for. Per TWC I must consider any job that pays at least $24.30 per hour - but that doesn't take into account if the job is remote or not. Which I think is wrong.
My last job paid roughly $27 an hour and without my per file bonus it was just enough to cover my share of the monthly household expenses. If I cannot work from home, those monthly expenses increase so logically I would need to make more.
And sure I get it, some money is better than the next to nothing TWC gives (which is better than nothing) but if I take a lower paying job that requires me to leave the house daily, I have a whole new set of expenses.
At a minimum we have increased gas expenses. One of us would have to take the other to work and pick up - and that's if the location is good. Worst case is I would need to buy a new car. And then that's additional insurance too. Not to mention the new workplace appropriate wardrobe I would need.
But sure. Nobody wants to work anymore.
So after I spend a couple of hours searching and applying for jobs, I will usually move to the living room or movie room. And just sit there scrolling on my phone.
But Suzanne, you have a beautiful backyard with a pool and the weather has been lovely, why not go outside? Enjoy the pool.
And the answer is I don't know. I cannot motivate myself to do the minimum things I enjoy that are free - like being in my backyard.
I just can't bring myself to do anything that will bring me joy. Like I don't deserve it because I don't have a job. And I am well aware of how absurd that sounds but it doesn't change how my brain is working right now.
Rob has been great. He is working his ass off to make up for my lack of income. He leaves before 8, comes home mid-afternoon, and then works in his office until at least 7 most nights. And it isn't uncommon for him to put in several hours on Saturday too...though he usually doesn't work on Sundays at least.
And I used to get a little annoyed with him for the hours he was working because as I once told him - I see more of Elliot than I do of you - but how can I complain now? If it wasn't for all of his hard work, we would definitely lose the the house.
And I am so tired. It's exhausting pretending to be "normal" around other people.
Yesterday I told Elliot it was time for him to move on. And it isn't because we don't like him or anything like that. I just can't handle depression and Elliot. It's too much for me to deal with. Which I feel bad about because I know he has had a rough time too - he's been looking for a job since January.
But also I just need my house back.
It has been nice having someone around - sometimes - since Rob has been working so much. And I can't deny that Elliot is a great cook and his combined contribution of groceries and cooking will be missed.
It's just time.
I don't want our friendship to suffer and I am afraid it will if he stays much longer. And he knows this - I'm not telling you anything he doesn't know. And when he moved in he told me to always be honest with him and tell him to leave before it damaged our relationship. Which is what I've done.
So there's that.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, trying to figure out why this bout of unemployment has me so down. It's not the first time I've been unemployed. Hell it's barely a year past the last time I lost a job.
And even though I'm freaking out about money, Rob is covering us ok for now *knock on wood*. And we haven't been going out much, definitely less than before.
But I always freak out when income is compromised. And frankly, Rob's job is barely a step above commission only. And he sells a luxury product - albeit a luxury product I firmly believe in - and with the housing market the way it is at the moment I fear the trickle down.
Plus we should be saving or paying off debt with all his hard earned money, not supplementing my lazy lifestyle.
Please don't come at me for using the word lazy. I'm not saying every depressed or unemployed person is lazy.
Just me.
Anyway, I think the depression is largely stemming from I actually liked that job. I genuinely loved all of my co-workers. It wasn't the best money I've ever made but it was worth if because I was so happy. Little to no stress - definitely no after hours carry over. I didn't look forward to Mondays (because it was still a job) but I didn't dread them either.
I miss my work family and that is not a sentence I ever really expected to type in my life.
So that just makes looking for a job extra challenging. I won't say never, but I've been working since I was 16 and it took me until I was 51 to find the (almost) perfect job. It just doesn't feel like I'm going to get that lucky again.
I know what you are thinking. I said the same thing back in 2019 about love.
That's ok universe, prove me wrong.