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Originally published on Facebook on 06/03/2019

I have so many thoughts and feelings on a myriad of topics right now so this might be a bit disjointed.

It’s done. I am now officially twice divorced. And even though the whole thing took literally less than 5 minutes it was every bit as horrible as I thought it would be. I cried the entire time. Not that anyone is surprised by that. My emotions are always on the surface. I’ve never been able to hold back is a very frustrating thing too. And today was no different. Special thanks to the kind bailiff that handed me a tissue during the proceeding.

When my first marriage ended, it had been a long time coming. I tried to fix it by myself. I tried to get him to help fix it. And finally we sought professional help...unfortunately it was too late. But I had time to prepare and adjust to the idea. It didn’t happen overnight.

I don’t think anyone gets married expecting to get a divorce. So it feels stupid saying this...but I never thought I would get divorced once. Let alone twice. I always thought that as long as two people cared about each other they could work through anything. That’s why I tried to fix it the first time. And that’s why I am devastated that he didn’t think we were worth trying to fix this time.

I thought I learned from my mistakes. We were made for each other. We had so much in common. I was honest with him from the beginning and he was with me. I would check with him at least once a I still make you happy? I can’t understand how we could have been so one sided. I don’t understand how I am the only one that thought what we had was worth trying to fix. I don’t understand how he could make me feel so loved, so beautiful, so supported ... and then so discarded.

That’s the crux. I feel discarded. Like I was just a placeholder until he found the next person he could pretend to love. And I just don’t understand how I could have been so wrong.

I’m never going to know. And I am trying to accept that. The good news is he has been so mean and hurtful and disrespectful that he has killed any romantic feelings I had. It doesn’t really make it hurt less but at least I am mourning what I thought I had, not him.

And I deserve what I thought I had. I deserve to really be loved the way he pretended to love me. I deserve to really have the kind of relationship he led me to believe we had. I deserve it, I just don’t know if I will get it. I don’t know how I can ever put all my love and trust in another person. But I probably will because ultimately I am a hopeless romantic optimist...even if I am having a hard time seeing it right now.

I miss my family. I fear I have lost his mom. I understand, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I will always love her. And I am filled with gratitude to the family that has reached out to me.

I am so tired of being sad all the time. I am exhausted from crying. I am exhausted from not sleeping because all I can think about is everything that I lost. The fact that it was an illusion doesn’t make the loss any easier to bear.

And if you are still reading along, you make this easier to bear. I feel your love and support. Whether you simply acknowledge a post with a Facebook reaction, or a comment, or a private message I hear you, I see you, and appreciate you. Your encouragement keeps me going. I appreciate your invitations for a place to stay or a night out - even if I don’t take you up on it. Even if I don’t say much in response because sometimes I just hurt too much.

Please keep them coming. And please know how full of gratitude I am for you.

I am so grateful to Peggilee for giving me something to look forward to when I needed it most. For literally giving me her bed to sleep in so I could finally check New York off my bucket list. For talking with me for HOURS with no hint of inconvenience or annoyance. For making me feel welcome.

And to Kelly and Nathan for giving me a place to stay last night. For Nathan just disappearing - not that I wanted him to - so Kelly could just listen to me word vomit all over her for hours. And Kelly for your sincere love and hospitality. I am so grateful to have you in my life. Nathan is a very lucky guy. (Guys she even ironed my shirt for me for court today when I just wanted to toss it in the dryer for a minute.)

And to Susie for taking time off of work to be there with me this morning. For being there to give me a hug when I truly needed it most. And then taking me to breakfast until I stopped crying so I could drive home. I am so lucky to have a friend like you and I hope you know how much I love and treasure you.

So I am back home now. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to write out my feelings, cry myself to sleep, or go hang out at the pool. Obviously I chose to write out my feelings...

...I know putting all of my shit out there is weird and I know there are people that don’t get it but I really can’t tell you how therapeutic it has been for me. I know I could have written all of this out privately for my eyes only but I’m so alone and putting it out there publicly really does help. It really is nice to know that at least I am not alone in spirit.

Maybe I am done crying for today. Maybe it is time to check out this pool...

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