I may be repeating myself here. But I feel compelled to say it so I'm gonna.
I was talking to my friend Pauline yesterday. She has a new man in her life and is pretty excited to see where it's going to go and so we were chatting back and forth a lot, marveling at how lucky we are.
Here's the thing...you know I was living my dream life for the last 12 years. You know that I considered Daniel the love of my life and that I was completely devastated to find out that feeling was no longer (if ever) mutual. I have ZERO complaints about my life with him.
Until he decided to fuck a French whore but you already know that story.
But having said all that, there are many things about Rob that are better. Things I didn't know I was missing out on or had just accepted as not being a part of my life. Like how incredibly thoughtful he is.
For example, I didn't get to go to New York this weekend. It was no one's fault. Peggilee woke up sick with a fever on Friday and I made the decision to cancel. I didn't want her to feel obligated to entertain me when she was feeling bad...or feel bad because she was too sick to entertain me. And I didn't want to get sick either.
That doesn't mean I wasn't disappointed. Of course I was. I've been looking forward to this trip for 6 months. I was looking forward to seeing my friend. And I've always wanted to see New York at Christmas.
And there's the other reason.
The reason I chose this weekend in the first place.
Because Friday would have been my 11 year anniversary. And when I planned the trip initially I was still so heartbroken I was crying more days of the week than I wasn't. And I didn't know what my life was going to be like only that I would probably be sad and depressed if I was at home alone so why not go to New York and be distracted? That was the plan.
And I was trying to just look at December 13th as just another day on the calendar. But I still had moments that day. But they were just moments. And yeah I was a little sad at times but I was also happy. And there was more happy than sad.
I guess it just wasn't the right time. Maybe I'll start saving up so I can go in 2029 and finally see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on my birthday. It can be my last hurrah for my 50's.
Anyway, even though Rob was not so secretly happy I was here this weekend, he still sent me flowers. Because he knew how much I wanted to go and he was sorry I couldn't. Even though he had nothing to do with it.
I mean, who does that?
Rob. That's who.
And it's the other little things too. It's not about spending money on me. It's the thought. Like how much thought he put into my birthday present. Just the fact that he put that much thought into it was gift enough.
And I told Pauline that although I know I was happy with Daniel, I didn't realize how much I was missing too.
That's when she said "You never know how thirsty you are sometimes until you get a drink of water".
And that resonated with me. I understood it and felt it to my core.
I have this weird need to almost feel like apologizing to the universe every time I mention something about how great Rob is. As if acknowledging him somehow diminishes what I had before or implies a lack of gratitude. And I need to stop. Because just because I can appreciate what is in front of me, doesn't mean I didn't appreciate what I had.
And what I have is a kind and thoughtful man that cares deeply for me.
I still have trust issues. I know he says he would never hurt me but I also don't think anyone enters a relationship thinking they can't wait to hurt the other person. And I want so badly to believe him. But I believed Daniel. I never doubted him. And I know, I KNOW, Rob is not Daniel. I don't want to punish him for Daniel's crimes. But I haven't been able to completely 100% let go of that hurt yet.
I'm trying. I promise.
Betrayal by someone you love isn't easy to get over. And he fucking KNEW that was my ONE thing. He never understood when I told him Scream is the scariest movie I ever saw. But to me, being betrayed by someone who is supposed to love you is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. (see also: my parents)
So instead of going to New York to distract myself, I stayed home. I went ahead and worked on Friday and Monday because although there is an appeal in taking a few days off without agenda, I have a lot of wishful thinking travel plans next year and I want to be able to have the time available for them. Silver linings, you know?
And Matt texted me on Friday and invited me to a movie. Which we missed because traffic was so bad neither of us could get to the theatre in time. So we just hung out at the Pub and talked and spent time with each other and friends. And later Rob and his son Duncan came up and joined us and it was a really lovely evening.
Since I wasn't spending money in New York, I decided to go a little extra on Christmas for everyone so Saturday was spent running errands followed by a Christmas party at Louise's. And Sunday, Louise introduced me to the Bishop Arts District.
And then I came home and worked for 4 hours because we are so busy and I may as well take the OT when I can get it.
Man work has been busy. CRAZY busy. It's sort of astonishing to me how many people want to buy a home in December. You know, because December isn't stressful and hectic enough on it's own, let's throw making a major purchase and moving into the mix. I'm glad for the work, don't get me wrong. But I'd much rather move in January.
Speaking of moving, I think I'm going to try to buy a house when my lease is up. The only problem is I know exactly what I want...but I doubt I can find it affordably in a neighborhood I want to live in. I don't mind a fixer upper. In fact, I kind of want one.
My dream would be to find a Mid-Century ranch style home closer to Dallas proper that hasn't been updated. I want the original tile. That's going to be tough. MCM is so trendy right now it seems like they've been scooped up and renovated already.
I did find one - it was renovated but very well done. A bit more on the contemporary side for me but I could make it work. It even had a pool. It was also over $500k and that is most definitely not within my budget.
I'll keep looking. But if you hear of any gems, let me know.
I have no cool transition for this but can we talk about Random Acts of Kindness for a minute?
I'd like to think that anyone reading this is already a thoughtful and caring person that does RAoK already. Maybe you complimented a stranger. Let an extra car get in front of you. Gave some money to a homeless person. Maybe you even paid for the Starbucks order for the person in line behind you.
But ladies (and maybe gentlemen too), may I suggest a RAoK that you can do?
When using a public restroom, and the toilet paper is under lock and key, please for the love of all things Christmas leave a square or two dangling down so the next person doesn't have to try to find the end.
It's the little things, am I right?
Speaking of kindness, I finally start volunteering at Operation Kindness tonight. I'm looking forward to it so much! I'd like to say I won't fall in love with every animal there but I don't think anyone would believe me. I miss my Spike and Trixie so much and I'm hoping I can ease that a little through volunteering.
Other than that I have lots of baking plans for the next week. I have all of my shopping done and most of it is even wrapped. I have all of my shopping done (repeating it so maybe it will sink in and I can stop shopping). I'm pretty excited about a lot of the gifts I have for people this year. And by people, I specifically mean Rob because he's going to lose it when he sees his gift. I am VERY confident that he has no idea what I have for him. And I am equally confident he will love it. I can't say anymore about that until after Christmas...
Ok so this was a long and rambling post. I had a lot to say. And on the off chance I don't post again before Christmas, I wish you all a very merry Christmas filled with love and laughter. And Happy Hanukkah too.