From Dream to Nightmare
Originally published on 05/30/2019
May 23, 2018. That’s when that picture was taken. Celebrating his birthday together in London. I still can’t believe she posted that photo. I still can’t believe how much my life has changed since the day this was taken. I had it all. At least I knew it. I knew I had a dream life. I loved and appreciated every single second of it.
It’s almost here. The day I’ve been dreading since February 5th. Almost exactly 4 months later my divorce will be finalized. How can it feel like it just happened but forever ago at the same time?
I have tried to do my best to deal with this shitshow with as much dignity as possible. He made it plain that he had absolutely no interest in trying to fix things and I respect myself too much to beg someone to fix something he should want to fix. He doesn’t want me - fine. He thinks moving on with a younger woman that doesn’t even remotely know the real him or could ever possibly have as much in common with him as me...or will never love or trust him like I did...is the one he wants to spend the next chapter of his life with - fine. But that doesn’t negate my need for answers or excuse the way he has dealt with - continues to deal with - all of this.
I know I won’t get my answers. I hate that he gets to walk away from everything we had and the only answers he gives me are “I’m the asshole”, “I’m the villain”, or “I’m a coward”. Those TRUE statements do not excuse any of this. None of those answers explain why.
Why didn’t you believe me when I told you to always be honest with me? “I think there are some things you just don’t tell your spouse”.I don’t understand how else I could have explained to him that he could tell me literally anything. We even discussed ad nauseum what he should do if he ever even thought about fucking someone else. I could not have made my thoughts any more clear.
What makes her worth destroying everything? What makes her better? “not better - different”. I can’t believe he destroyed our lives for different. That’s even worse than better. But different? She doesn’t know you and you don’t know her. She knows travel him. She knows the him that is always on because you are around celebrities and trying to fit in. She doesn’t know what it is like to live with you. She doesn’t know that you don’t REALLY like doing stuff. That your dream is to sit on the couch and have food and groceries delivered so that you never have to leave the house. Does she make you want to leave the house and do things? Because I could have done that to if that is the different that you wanted.
The truth is I wasn’t enough for you all of a sudden. You can try to dress it up any way you want but that’s it. And it isn’t fair that you didn’t tell me. It isn’t fair that when I asked you - repeatedly - if we were ok your answer was “YES” or “Why do you keep asking”. You fucking gaslighted me for months letting me think it was all in my head. You let me think I was crazy while you were secretly fucking your whore. While you made plans to fake sell your share of IDDS just to keep it from me. While you went to a fucking divorce lawyer for our 10th anniversary and let me keep believing we were happy and still in love - and brag about how happy I was and in love with you. Even on February 5th I asked if we were ok - to which you replied yes. Followed shortly by “I like you but I’m not attracted to you anymore”. And not five minutes later you were so RELIEVED when I asked you if you wanted a divorce. It makes me nauseous to think that if I hadn’t asked you if you wanted a divorce, how much longer would you have kept up the charade? And then you just fucking left. I was literally hyperventilating and sobbing and you couldn’t summon up an ounce of compassion to make sure I was going to be ok.
I will never understand how knowing me for the last 13 years, 12 of them romantically, you thought it would be in my best interest (as you claim) to just make a clean break. Rip the band-aide off. So I wouldn’t have false hope. But I don’t understand because I don’t believe you loved me one day 100% and the next day zero%. And if that’s not the case then how would telling me as early as possible given me false hope? You don’t know. You don’t know that we couldn’t have cleared things up and you didn’t care enough about us and our life and our family to try and I don’t understand that.
At least if you had given me warning I could have adjusted to losing everything. I could have accepted it slowly instead of one minute I am happy living my dream life and the next minute I have nothing. I could have prepared - LIKE YOU DID - instead of having my life ripped out from under me. Why did you deserve to “mourn for months” after you made the decision to leave but I didn’t? What did I do to you to deserve this complete contempt and lack of respect?
I’m not proud of all the things I have said since that day but at least I have been honest. And I have controlled myself more than I want - do you have any idea how hard it was for me to not respond directly to that horrid birthday post? “you’ve made your feelings quite clear” but I haven’t because I haven’t publicly blasted you on your page so all your little fans and European friends and your celeb clients know exactly what a piece of shit you are. And I will continue to resist. Because I am not that person no matter how much I want to be.
“I hope someday you can be at peace with this and we can be friends” I don’t know if that is possible. I wanted to try at first. You have been such an important part of my life for so long it is impossible for me to imagine life without you in it in some way. But you aren’t who I thought you are. And evidently we didn’t have the relationship I thought we did. And you lied to me for MONTHS. I don’t know if I can be friends with someone that shows me such disrespect. Maybe if you showed a modicum of remorse. Maybe if you at least pretended to care, but you don’t. I deserve better than that. I deserve the relationship I actually thought we had. Not the lie. I know I can’t cut you out completely. I still want to know how Trixie is doing. And I will always love and appreciate all that we had. I will treasure the love that I thought we had because I can’t bear to think it was all a lie. And I can never thank you enough for giving me the courage to remove toxic people from my life. Or the support you gave me for pursuing my dream of doing weddings. And I will defend you until my dying breath for being the amazing step-father you were...which is why my heart is so broken now. I know what the boys meant to you and I don’t understand how you could walk away without any effort. I just can’t believe they meant nothing to you.
June 3rd is going to be an awful day for me. I wish I could take all of you to the courthouse with me so I didn’t have to do it alone. I wish you could all be there to hug me and tell me I will be ok. That I will get through this. I wish you could drive me home while I cry it all out. I know you will be there in spirit. And I’m asking you now - anyone in the DFW area that can come and sit with me that night, please do. Take me out to dinner and don’t let me cry alone all night. Don’t let me wallow in self-pity because I know that is what I will do if I am left alone.