Originally published on 05/08/2019
I continue to struggle. I have good days where life seems normal and I forget for a moment how much I have lost. And then a song will come on that will bring back a memory and everything comes rushing back. Or I’ll be watching TV. Sometimes just cooking will trigger something.
I’m a terrible liar (oh the irony). I can’t even fake it when someone asks how I’m doing. The best I can do is sometimes I can muster up “lets just skip that question” but way too often I just tell people exactly how I am doing (and sometimes why). And yes, I do mean total strangers. Why can’t I just bring myself to say I’m fine like a normal person?
I’ve forgotten how to have a conversation that doesn’t revolve around THIS. I feel more reserved around others because I don’t know how to not talk about it and yet it hurts to talk about it. It helps too. Kind of a Catch-22 if you will. Plus I honestly find it obnoxious...I want to know what is going on with you but then you say something and it triggers me and I can’t help myself. If I can’t stand hearing myself, how can I expect you to?
I hate not being able to share things with him. To not be able to talk about Endgame. Or the new Star Wars trailer. Or a cute dog or cat video. I hate that I see things when I am out and my first thought is “He would love that” while I reach for it...before realizing I’m not going to buy him anything.
I miss Trixie. I miss her so much and I will possibly never see her again and that kills me inside. Every time I see a dog I am reminded of her. I miss playing ball with her. I miss snuggling on the couch with her. I miss her hilariously loud burps. I miss seeing her poke her head out the doggie door - or even better, when she would stand outside and look in as if waiting for us to come and join her. And I know I will miss her this summer when I can’t play with her in the pool.
My patio makeover is nearly complete. I’ve probably spent more money than I should but it genuinely makes me happy to sit out there with Spike. And I haven’t killed any of the plants yet so that’s nice.
I went to the dermatologist today. I’ll have to find another one because he didn’t have a non-Lidocaine alternative and having a spot scraped and cauterized with only ice to numb it is no picnic. Good news is he doesn’t think the thumb thing is cancer so at least there is that.
I have an interview at Kohl’s tomorrow. My original intention was to get a part-time job just to get me out of the apartment but the harsh reality is I need the money. And it isn’t because I am living frivolously - I rarely eat out and I’ve cut way back on shopping. It’s because more than half of my paycheck is going to insurance and taxes. It will get better once I don’t have to pay for his health insurance too but it still won’t be enough. I don’t relish the idea of working two jobs but I’ve done it before. But last time I was in my early thirties...I hope I can handle it.
New York is coming up fast - just over 2 weeks away! Special thanks to Peggilee for the hospitality and SouthWest points for the flight. I hope HONY takes my picture - that would be amazing. But mostly I am just thankful for something to look forward to and a chance to get away and (hopefully) forget for a weekend.
*Disclaimer - the following paragraph is not me fishing for compliments but my sincere thoughts and concerns.* I worry about my self-esteem. It was never good to begin with - not even when I was young and thin. But he made me feel beautiful. And knowing that he doesn’t think that anymore hurts. I know - my self worth is not dependent on what others think of me. I know that. But when you don’t think much of yourself if helps when there is someone there to tell you differently. I so envy people that don’t let their imperfections get to them...or even better, simply embrace their imperfections and say “this is me. And I am fabulous”. I wish I could be that way too. I’m so worried that no one will find me attractive ever again. I’m not saying I need a man to complete me. But I do enjoy the company and I am terrified I won’t ever have that again. And even if by some miracle some man does find me attractive, how can I ever trust him? Or for that matter me?
How will I ever be able to trust my own judgement ever again? How can I ever trust someone ever again? He lied and betrayed me in the most heinous way and I had NO IDEA. I had no reason to think he would keep anything from me and I have never been more wrong in my entire life. How do you move forward after the one person you trusted the most (yourself) betrays you?
I had a nightmare yesterday. I won’t bore you with the details but it definitely involved him. And it was one of those hyper real dreams...the kind when you wake up and you can’t believe it didn’t actually happen. And that fucking dream is haunting me still. I can hear them laughing at me. It was so real.
Anyway - that’s what’s be going on with me. How are you?