I have been re-reading my old blog posts. Probably because my Facebook memories have been reminding me of why I started this blog in the first place.
And wow. The memories today. 12 years of me gushing over him - which I did not just limit to Valentine's Day. I can assure you, in spite of his protestations to the contrary, I very loudly and very frequently proclaimed my love and gratitude for him and our life.
But that's the past. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that I am a million times better off.
But I also know I don't post about Rob like I did with him.
Why? I am infinitely happier than I was in literally all aspects of my life. But other than an odd blog post or mention, I don't post as much about our daily life.
I don't publicly proclaim once a week how lucky I am.
That doesn't make it not true. Something happened recently that made me say "I cannot believe I cried for nearly 6 months over him".
And it's true. And you know what else is true?
I cannot believe how lucky I am to get to spend the rest of my life with Rob. I've actually found myself thinking I should probably thank them. Because if they hadn't left me in so many pieces I would have never put myself back together.
Not only that, but stronger than ever. Because of what I went through in 2019, I vowed I would never let that happen to me again. I worked on myself. And when I dipped my toe into the dating pool, I let Rob know in no uncertain terms exactly who I was.
The good. The bad. And the ugly.
I told him I had - without even fully realizing it at the time - hidden myself in some ways in my prior relationships. Always presenting the best part of me. Or hiding parts I knew they wouldn't embrace.
That's probably the truer statement.
Hiding parts of me I knew they wouldn't embrace.
So with Rob, I showed him the real me even before our first date (because he read my blog).
And he loves me. Every part and parcel. Every square inch and every last pound.
And I reflect that right back to him.
So if I am so happy, why am I not more vocal about it?
I spent some time thinking about this. And the answer is a couple of things.
I think first and foremost, when I found out my life was a lie and for I don't know how long, I feared people would think I had been a phony. How could I have been that happy if I was that wrong about him? About our life? I was HUMILIATED by his actions. I was so concerned about what everyone must have thought of me.
*which I acknowledge is dumb, but I wasn't thinking super clearly at the time.
And I never posted about my love for him or how lucky I was as a way to show off. I only ever posted it because I was so happy. I was so lucky. I was so in love that I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I wanted the universe to know I received the gift and was grateful for it.
But I might have also been doing it for him. I know that when we were married I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. I wanted to proclaim it publicly so he would know how much he meant to me.
Because that's what I wanted from him.
He was never romantic with me. And when he did - it was as much for the benefit of others as it was for me. And I know this because I remember our first anniversary after I started working from home. It was the first time he hadn't gotten me flowers. He said he didn't need to anymore because I didn't work in the office and therefore had no one to show them off to.
And he rarely if ever initiated a post about me. He allowed me to tag him in our photos together but I don't recall him ever publicly announcing his love for me or his gratitude for our life.
And he rarely did it in private either.
I'm not saying he never said I love you. But he definitely didn't say it as often. I told myself it was just because he wasn't an overly demonstrative kind of guy but that was ok because I knew he loved me. And typing that out just now makes me feel like such a fool but that's the truth.
But Rob does say and do things to tell me he loves me. In words and actions. And he does it daily. Not because anyone is watching. So I guess I don't feel like I have to scream it from the rooftops as much because he shows me.
But I should occasionally still shout it from the rooftops. Because I still need the universe to know I received the gift and am grateful for it.
Because I adore him. Is our life perfect? Absolutely not. But we've created a lovely life together and I cannot imagine being happier.
Ok I can imagine a little. It would be nice if we didn't have to ever worry about money. We'd probably be happier then.
But aside from money, we have each other. We have our kids. We have our health and our friends and what more could we ask for?
I love just being with Rob. We have fun just binging Doctor Who. Or hanging out with friends. I know that whatever I am doing with him, I will have fun.
So here I am, still lucky after all this time and it is infinitely better than ever. Happy Valentine's Day my love.