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Paper Cuts and Lemon Juice

Sometimes the sadness sneaks up on you.


If you've been reading along, you know how devastating this year has been for me. But my biggest fear on February 5th was that in addition to losing the love of my life, I would lose my family too.


I love them like my own. As if I was born into the family. I always felt like I belonged with them. And I thought it was mutual. So the thought of them never being a part of my life again was just lemon juice on the paper cut. And I sent them all messages telling them how much I loved them and I hoped we could still be a part of each other's lives.


Miracle Max knows how I feel.

Matt was first to reach out to me and let me know I would always be his sister. Those were the first happy tears I cried. I don't know if he fully grasps how much it means to me that we are still family. Or how much it meant to me that he contacted me that first horrible day.


It took Laura a little longer to process but she eventually contacted me and all is well. I've never been as close to her as I would have liked but I have always adored her. She's an amazing person and I'm glad she's still in my life. And her husband is pretty freakin' fantastic too.


I went out to lunch with his dad and step-mom and they unequivocally told me I will always be a part of their family - for as long as I want to be. (PS you are stuck with me forever)


But Mom? I haven't heard from her. At all. And since it has been 5+ months and I have reached out to her, I've come to the conclusion I never will. And that makes me indescribably sad. I love her and I meant it every time I ever said it. I adore her. She is a passionate and fierce woman and my life is richer having known her.


I understand it must be challenging maintaining a relationship with your child's ex. But it isn't impossible. I'm still on very friendly terms with my first husband's mom and step-dad. And I'm the one that ended that relationship. And it got messy there for a while. REALLY MESSY. But they never made me feel like I wasn't a part of the family just because he and I weren't married any more. (his sister never liked me so that relationship ending came as no surprise)


But this wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. And yet I lost almost everything, including a mother. It isn't fair. He gets to move on like I never existed. Or the boys. He doesn't care how many lives he ruined or at what cost. He's happy and that is all that matters.


Can someone explain to me why I'm the one being punished?


Never mind. It's a rhetorical question. And it doesn't really matter anymore.


It's just a little fresh today - it's her birthday. I still love her and I hope she's happy. And yet I'm afraid to tell her happy birthday. I'm afraid to post a message on her Facebook for fear I'll just be rejected again. I'm afraid to text her for fear of being ignored. So instead I'll put it here. I doubt she reads this, or even knows about it. But Happy Birthday A. I still love you and I miss you. I hope you have a great day.




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