Self-Quarantine: Day 19, Round 3*
*Although I have seen Rob during this time frame, neither of us have gone anywhere else during this time. Except a brief excursion to the post-office but more on that later.
I should start with a quick Mother's Day acknowledgment - today being Mother's Day and all. It's sort of a sore point for me. To be clear, I embrace any gift getting or giving holiday - I enjoy both aspects of them. I enjoy being the focus of celebration, so again, good things. (I could try to be one of those humble type moms but that would be insincere. Lavish me with attention and affection! I deserve it!)
Obviously, this year is different. I told my boys to stay away. And it pains me to do so - but as "essential" workers delivering fresh, warm cookies they are exposed every day. And I just think it is safer to keep them away.
But every Mother's Day I am also reminded of my own mother's shortcomings. How she failed me (for the record, this also goes for Father's Day). I love seeing my friends' posts about how much they love their moms and what an influence they had - and even continue to have - but it is also a 24 hour fest of...well... I guess a little self-pity.
I wish I had that.
And I do, sort of, just not with my own mom.
There's Mary who essentially welcomed me in when I was 15 and has never let go. She taught me what a mom is supposed to be like.
There's Margie - my (first) former mother-in-law that loves me in spite of not understanding me. I know she found me a little quirky but she always did her best to make me feel welcome.
There's Paula - my most recent former mother-in-law (Daniel's step-mom). Who has made it plain that regardless of my legal status, I will always be her daughter-in-law (and for which I will forever be grateful).
There's Aurie - my (other) most recent former mother-in-law. One that I really though I shared a special bond with. But that was clearly as much a lie as my marriage turned out to be. I swear her abandonment hurts almost as much as his.
Which also brings me to this...I hate that I am never going to celebrate a big anniversary with my husband - surrounded by my children and grandchildren. It's weird stupid little things like that that bring me down sometimes.
When Dean and I got married, I really thought it would be forever. I didn't want it to end. I just couldn't stay in it the way it was. And again, I don't look at the 15 years we were together as time wasted. But it did make me sad we didn't even make it to the 10 year mark (close, but no cigar).
And then with Daniel...well, you've read the story. I 100% thought we were both in it for the long haul. I legit pictured our grandkids visiting us in that house. That was the plan. And when we had our 10 year anniversary, I truly thought it was just the end of our first decade, not the end of everything. And yeah, I'd hoped we would celebrate a golden anniversary.
But I'll be 50 in a few months. So the odds are really going down on the big monumental anniversaries in my future. I'm not sure I want to live to 100 - or more - unless I'm a spry Betty White kind of 100. Then maybe. But even then, I would have to get married pretty soon and stay married and live to be 100 to hit that golden milestone.
I know it is sort of a silly thing to be sad about. And maybe you think I am focusing on the wrong things. But I'm not saying I wanted to be in a miserable marriage for 30, 40, or 50 years. I just wanted to be loved and live happily ever after.
I know I can still have part of that. Maybe with Rob. He loves me and I love him and maybe he is actually the happily ever after I've been waiting for my whole life. Time will tell.
At any rate, I have many moms that I am thankful for.
So nothing special this year. And that's ok - I've told them they can take me to dinner when this is all over. So that is something to look forward to.
As I mentioned above, I haven't been completely alone this whole round of self-quarantine. I've allowed Rob to come over a couple of times but only because he's been staying at home as well. If he was leaving his home to go anywhere but here, I'd put him back in time out.
So the day to day loneliness remains but it has been broken up by occasional human contact. Magan has even come by for a visit - I just stayed on my patio and she and Jameson stayed on the other side. She also brought me Andy's so that is always good. And all of this definitely helps. But I do really miss the daily embrace. I miss my boys. I want to give them a big hug and I wish they were here right now to share a meal and watch a movie.
I continue to struggle with work...in that I am having a really hard time letting things go that shouldn't get to me. Things I could usually just let run off my back. I don't think being a processor is a particularly difficult job - and I am good at it - but it feels fairly thankless in the best of times. And now they are trying to push closings through faster and faster and EVERY SINGLE FILE is the most important file in the history of ever and if I take a minute to answer an email I must be ignoring them on purpose because their file is the MOST important.
There are just so many emails. And I wish we could put a cap and say "you may only email your processor once per day so make it count". But that's what gets to me the most. As I've said, I have a hard time ignoring emails. And when I do, that just seems to piss them off since they are used to me answering quickly - so I suppose I am a little to blame for that.
I even had one loan officer call me this week because I didn't answer her fast enough and I answered the phone even though I really didn't want to and I was in the middle of a file because what if it was an employer calling me back on a verification of employment?
Oh My GAWD do not get me started about VOEs right now.
But anyway, she kept asking me questions and I kept saying I didn't know but I would get to it as soon as I can. And she didn't like that answer because to her line of thinking I should have gotten out of the file I was in to answer her questions.
And that is why I am working so much OT anymore. Because I can't get my job done during the day anymore. We were actually told recently that we aren't allowed to say we are too busy to do something.
I don't even know what to do with that. I get in "trouble" for not answering emails because I am busy working on something else but I can't answer the email and tell them I will get back to them later because I am busy.
Is it any wonder I'm going a little crazy?
I'll be fine. I know I will. I just need to get out more.
And I mean more than a little walk too.
As I mentioned in my opening, I recently had to go to the post-office. I have the laziest post person ever because I do not consistently receive packages at my home. And I say he/she is lazy for two main reasons.
The first of course being I work from home and have the entire time I have lived here. You didn't "attempt delivery" because if you had knocked on my door, I would have known.
But there is also the second reason which is I pay extra every month for parcel lockers here on site. But they are not located in the same area as my mailbox so if none of the lockers there are available, I have to pick up at the post-office.
Which pre-March 2020 was little more than a marginal annoyance. I live like 5 minutes from the post-office so it isn't *that* big a deal. But we are post-March 2020 and times are different. And going to the post-office is no longer a marginal annoyance but an anxiety ridden, dreaded chore.
I am well aware I need to get out more. I am well aware I might be taking this self-quarantine to the extreme. I am well aware that I am very likely being overly cautious to the point just this side of paranoia (at least I hope I am still on this side).
But I have to tell you, I had to work up my courage just to go to the post-office. The fucking post-office! I legitimately put it off for a week because I was anxious about it. And I'm not kidding, the drive there, my heart was a little racy. And I may or may not have sat in my car for a minute gathering my courage to go in. And then once inside, I was standing while they retrieved my packages and I heard someone come up behind me and it felt like they were RIGHT behind me so I turned around to ask them to back up and they were standing right where they are supposed to. Not even close to me.
It felt like she was right on top of me though.
Also, I couldn't help but notice how quite it is everywhere. It's so surreal out there. I know I have to get out more because I legitimately felt a panic attack bubbling just below the surface. I don't know if it was the silence or the mask or the just....gestures at everything...but I really felt panic-y. I made myself grab some lunch on my way back home because I do not want to become anymore of a shut in than I already am.
Like I said, I really need to get out more.
I've done a little more work on my felted wool crafting. Santa's coming along well. I've deviated quite a bit from the plan but I am very happy with it. I know his arms are a little long but he's supposed to be holding a present in front of him - that's what I am working on now.
Oh! I also watched a fantastic documentary on Friday night! If you are into the history of Hollywood at all, I highly recommend Harold and Lillian: A Hollywood Love Story. It's about a couple that came to Hollywood in the '40s. He started as a storyboard artist and she eventually became a highly sought after research librarian for the studios. They were married for 60 years. If you like movies, or art, or libraries, or love stories...this is the film for you. Clearly, I loved it.
Rob came over last night.
Guys. He is such an amazing boyfriend/human.
A couple of weeks ago my work computer was replaced and I had a minor meltdown because I was having issues transferring photos off of my old one and I didn't want to lose any more pictures.
Daniel always had all of the pics from our trips or whatever. And clearly I never saw a need to have a back up copy for myself because I never saw us ending.
And then when we did end, I didn't worry about the photos too much because I still had access to them on Facebook and I just figured I would pull the ones I wanted from there someday.
Only he deleted his account and 12 years of memories and poof the photos were gone. And I tried not to dwell but it did make me sad because I had a lot of good memories from those 12 years and I hoped someday it wouldn't hurt to look back at them. And I did have some of them. But not all.
And all of this came rushing back when I was trying to back up the ones I do have.
So what did Rob do? He contacted Daniel (with a little help from Magan) and got him to send him all of those photos on a thumb drive. And then he went through nearly 19,000 photos and edited out Daniel wherever he could. He kept all of the originals for me in case I ever want them, but he said Daniel is edited out of as many of them as he could.
I mean really. Who does that?
Obviously I cried. I thought these photos were gone forever. I haven't looked through them yet but I will. It's enough to just know I have them. I would never have asked Daniel for them. But Rob did. For me. And I didn't even ask him to.
I've never been with someone so thoughtful. I really hope I can hold onto this one.
We also watched a lot of Buffy and Angel this weekend, finally getting to the musical episode today. It's my all-time favorite episode of any show ever. In fact, I'm probably going to go and watch it again as soon as I am done with this post.
I really tried to not quote and sing along but it is damn near impossible for me. So I need to watch it again so I can do those things.
Anyway, Rob enjoyed the episode in spite of the fact that he hates musicals. That's still a concept I'm getting used to. It's strange to me that someone that loves music as much as he does, does not enjoy musicals. Oh well.
Nobody's perfect.
#stilllucky #justdifferent #DEFINITELYbetter #mothersday #self-quarantine #2020 #BuffytheVampireSlayer #OnceMoreWithFeeling #jossisboss