I've loosened up a little, just in the last week. I'm still being cautious, but I'm trying at least.
I guess it started with Xander. I wouldn't let the boys come over for Mother's Day...which I did regret... but I let Xander come over after Mother's Day - so he could bring me flowers. We kept our distance and it was super hard saying goodbye and not giving him a hug but I'm working on it.
Then Zach came over the next day to bring me dinner and my Mother's Day gift of Ocean Vodka and mini homemade pecan pies. And I let him stay and eat - he brought margaritas too. Again - we kept our distance.
So when Magan announced she had officially finished her first year of law school - I'm so proud of her! - we decided to celebrate with a classic movie night.
But we also re-defined "classic" - we watched Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion because SHE HAD NEVER SEEN IT.
It's ok. I fixed her.
And Rob and I are going to a wedding this weekend. I'm not going to lie - I'm more than a little nervous about it. He had wanted to go pre-pandemic but we had plans to go to NOLA to celebrate Matt's 40th bday which obviously got cancelled. And frankly I forgot about the wedding because I thought we can't really have big gatherings right now.
But it's still a 3 day weekend so I thought maybe we could go on a little road trip - see some friends from a safe social distance. When he reminded me about the wedding. And I can't exactly say we can't go to his friend's wedding because I'm scared of public spaces if I'm willing to go to Austin to try and see some of my friends.
So. Wedding this weekend.
Obviously it will be small - max of 50 people and honestly if someone can only have 50 people during a pandemic wedding and they want you to be one of them, then you should probably go.
Also if someone cares about you enough to invite you to their wedding in general (if you have the means to attend).
But I'll have my mask on. I won't touch anyone. And apparently seating will be spaced far apart. And Rob promised we can sit at the back by the exit.
I'd like to be clear here that he is not making me go. It is my choice. He wants to go and so I want to go for him. Even if I'm not 100% into it.
Honestly I'm probably more nervous about the reception after. I'll report back later. Besides, how many people can say they've been to a wedding in the middle of a global pandemic?
Speaking of pandemic weddings. Daniel and the French Whore got married. I'll be nice publicly and leave it at that.
So, yes. Wedding on Saturday. And it's in the morning which is always different. I will say I am looking forward to getting dressed up a little. I even got my hair done.
Chase came over on Tuesday and bleached and colored my hair for me. And that did break a few social distance rules by virtue of the fact that he was coloring my hair and therefore had to be within 6' of me. But I think we did pretty good the rest of the time. No hug for him either.
I still need a haircut but it's not too bad. A little shaggy for my taste right now but still acceptable. And infinitely better now that it's purple because that just feels more natural to me and I don't care what you say.
So honestly if I do get Covid-19 the most likely suspect at this point would be Chase.
And my vanity.
I just couldn't go to the wedding with boring brown hair. Isn't it bad enough that I can't get my nails done?
So, I have been slowly expanding my circle.
Though I do need a formal mask for the wedding. I don't feel like my colorful kitty cats are necessarily wedding appropriate. Magan is going to let me borrow one of hers...but also Rob ordered me a cool new mask and maybe that will be the one I will wear.
I had to go to the post office again to pick up another package that wasn't delivered to my home for reasons unknown. I respect postal workers. I am still amazed by how affordable it can be to send a postcard or letter or package - or how fast things get from point A to point B. But I am annoyed about having to go out during this pandemic to pick up packages that could have been delivered to me with minimal effort and ZERO contact.
Now I know, my packages weren't that important. A couple of pairs of shoes (sadly don't fit) and some clothes. Because I've got the Covid spread. Also I seem to eat a lot and don't move.
I mean the dress was pretty and I wanted it.
But for real though - it's a pink gingham check sundress and it is even better in person than online and I'm not even sorry.
The lime green gingham check shirt was a swift no though. **shudder**
But what if it was important medical supplies? Medications? I have an elderly neighbor - what if she got a package and couldn't go out to get it? I just think it's wrong to not even try to make a delivery. Regardless of the contents.
So you know how I've been sort of lamenting for a couple of months now how I have no household projects to do? Well I was thinking about it last night and I actually do have a few things to do. Some that will literally take minutes but I have been putting off ever since I moved in. So I made an official list to keep me on track. Next time I'm bored and tired of watching TV, I have something to do.
Also I need to finish my felted wool projects. They are on the list.
And since we are not going to Austin this weekend, we decided to go next weekend. So any Austin peeps reading this, please don't be mad if I can't see you this time. It'd be easier if we could arrange a meet up somewhere but...COVID. Don't worry, I'll be back. And I want to see all of you more than ever.
I'm excited...even if I am still a wee bit skittish. Misty even reserved a boat for us so we can spend Saturday on the lake. I can't wait. I really should always be near some body of water.
Tomorrow is a sort of anniversary...it's Daniel's birthday. And therefore a year ago the day the French Whore decided to take their relationship public. And therefore the day I put them both on blast for the garbage people they truly are.
Why am I bringing this up?
Because I remember how DEVASTATED I was. I remember how FURIOUS I was. And I remember thinking it would never stop hurting. I was so utterly heartbroken last year. I knew there had to be a light at the end of the tunnel but I couldn't see it through my tears. And yet just 2 weeks later I cried my last tears over him.
I remember thinking a year ago that I didn't know if I would ever be able to fully put myself out there to be loved again. I knew I didn't want to be alone forever but I also could not picture a future in which anyone would want me. I felt so damaged.
Or that I would be able to open myself up enough to let anyone in ever again.
How has it been just a year?
How has it been a year since just the thought of them would force tears to spring in my eyes?
Because now? I'm not bothered at all. They can have each other. As I've said before, I'm not a big enough person to wish them happiness. But that doesn't mean I'm hurt by them anymore.
And I find that sort of astonishing. I won't ever forget how devastated I was the first six months of 2019. And I do still struggle a little with the completely letting myself be open. As much as Rob and I talk about our future together, I still have a nagging little voice telling me not to go all in. I'm probably 99% though. I'm just so afraid of losing everything again. But I can't live in fear so I push through it.
It's hard for me to believe - even though I lived it - that as devastated and broken as I was a year ago, that less than a month later I would put myself out there. Dip my toes in the dating pool. And I still remember how terrifying it was.
But I wasn't looking for my next forever. I just wanted to get out there because I knew the longer I put it off, the more difficult it would be. Of course if you were reading along back then, you know it wasn't as easy as I hoped it would be. A few connections. A scam or two.
And then, HPN1 entered my life. I gave him a shot, in spite of my documented dislike of facial hair, and that was it. I tried to pretend that we were casual. I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship ad nauseum. But the more I spent time with him, the more I wanted to spend time with him.
And I won't credit Rob with helping me find happiness again because I was already there when I posted my first dating profile. I don't believe in depending on someone else for your own happiness.
But I will credit him with helping me find love again. And much, much sooner than I had anticipated.
I cannot believe how lucky I am to have found someone as thoughtful and caring as Rob. I don't even know how to be with someone like him. Maybe because there is no one like him? He was so patient with me at the beginning. He let me be in control of how fast things moved or the direction they went and I will never be able to fully express my gratitude for him.
I could never have pictured myself here, this soon, a year ago. I'm so glad I posted about Harry Potter on my dating profile because even if it kept some men away, it brought me the only one I needed.
I only thought I had it all before. I didn't know who was waiting for me.