I’m writing this at 1:30 in the morning but I don’t know when it will post because I can’t seem to connect to the internet right now.
I can’t sleep.
It isn’t just tonight. I have had a hard time sleeping ever since February 5th. I’ll occasionally get a good night’s sleep, but consistently?
Most evenings I try to at least be in bed by 11pm. Used to be 9 or 10 but I was just laying in bed awake for so long I’ve been pushing it out further. And I rarely fall asleep before 2am.
I just have a hard time turning off my brain at night. The things keeping me up have changed…I’m not lying there wondering why anymore. It’s done. I’ve accepted it and I am trying to move on. I honestly rarely even think about him anymore. Now I mostly stay up wondering how long I will be alone. Is this forever? Will I ever be able to trust someone enough to sleep in my bed?
Will I ever have sex again?
Is that too personal?
If it is, you should probably stop reading.
You’ve been warned.
I can’t help it, its what I am feeling. And thinking about. All the time. I miss it. Setting aside for a moment the very real concern as to whether anyone would want to have sex with me (that I would want to be with in return), I wonder if I can. Because I don’t know if I can separate sex from my emotions. I talk a good game, but I don’t know if it comes right down to it if I can. Every person I have ever had sex with I at least thought I was in love with them at the time. It’s a short list, and I married 2 of them. I *know* sex does not equal love. I know that. And yet they have always been inseparable to me.
And I’m not ready to love again. And I don’t know if I ever will be. And I know what you are thinking – it’s only been 5 months, give it time. And that may be true. But I also fear that the longer I wait, the scarier it will be and next thing you know I am in a nursing home reminiscing about December 2018 and the last time I ever had sex. And the grandkids refuse to visit me anymore.
To be clear, I am not judging those that can. Frankly it’s the opposite. I envy those that can have casual sex. I guess – at least so far – I need some sort of emotional connection. Maybe it doesn’t have to be love but I sort of need to think there is a chance that I’ll at least see him again. I’m not interested in a one-night stand, but it doesn’t need to be long term romance either. And also, there’s the logistics of it all. Do I bring a man I just met back to my place? I don’t think so. I am clearly not a good judge of character. And I'm not going back to his. Hotels would get too expensive and I am definitely too old for car sex. What do you do?
Asking for a friend.
Dating is exhausting. I haven’t even been trying for very long and I am already ready to throw in the towel. Which will definitely not help with the previously discussed issue. Not that I don’t want to date. I find I am not attracted to most men that are appropriately aged for me. At least not the ones that are available on the dating apps and sites I’ve been on so far. I know. Have patience. Give it time. Clearly I will since I’m not having much luck but that doesn’t ease the loneliness now. I would also like to state for the record that I do not think I need a man to complete me.
I just miss the company.
My apartment is so quiet. I’ve tried sleeping with a white noise app, but it doesn’t seem to be helping much. I’m used to there being another person in the bed. And a dog. I hate him for taking Trixie from me. I didn’t take her because I thought he was going to take her to his mom’s where she would have a yard to run and play in. And the boys and I would get to visit. Instead he took her to Connecticut. I doubt I will ever see her again.
Then there’s Spike. I don’t think he is doing very well. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it here, but he was sick a week or two ago – throwing up all day. Now the vet thinks that in addition to his kidney disease, he probably also has stomach cancer (based on an x-ray). He still seems mostly normal, but I can’t help but feel like he is deteriorating before my eyes. I’m not ready. Without him, I am completely alone.
Is this post a roller coaster or what?
Back to dating…I have been chatting with Reunion Guy. We are definitely friends and he definitely wants more but I’m not feeling it. It’s flattering but I just don’t feel that way about him. And I met a guy. He’s cute, flirty, and possibly into me but I can’t really tell for sure. I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. Or maybe he’s perfectly clear and I overthink everything (wishful thinking). It’s probably that one. He’s also significantly younger. Which scared me off at first but maybe that’s exactly what I need right now? I don’t know. But I also always come back to why would someone like him even remotely be interested in me? It makes no sense.
Clearly I have issues.
In the meantime, there’s been a Hinge match. We currently have a coffee date scheduled for Friday. He looks cute and we have so far bonded over a shared love of cheesy, gory horror flicks so if nothing else I might have a new movie buddy. Oh – although he is still younger than me, he falls within an appropriate age range. So there is that.
I left the apartment 6 out of 7 days last week! I am definitely feeling more myself. Getting out really does help. I need to be around people more. I miss talking to people. The next couple of weeks will be very busy and I’m very much looking forward to it. My nieces are coming for a visit. My BFF is coming for a visit. My New York friend is supposed to be coming soon. And work is very busy.
Ok – I got all that off my chest. Thanks for listening. I’m going to try to sleep now. Wish me luck.