I knew how lucky I was.
It KILLED me when he said I made him feel like he wasn't enough. I actually believed it for about 24 hours. And I was DEVASTATED to think that I could have in any way ever made him feel like I wasn't full of anything but gratitude for him and our life.
And then I talked to some friends. They told me it was bullshit. And then the very next day on Facebook, my memories showed me a post where I literally stated how lucky I was. #luckygirl
And then I just got mad that he let me believe for even a second that I ever made him feel less than. That I ever made him feel anything other than love and gratitude.
I grew up poor white trash. And before you get testy with me, you should know that I do NOT equate being poor with white trash.
White trash is a state of mind. It's making bad decisions over and over again thinking it will get you out of your situation. It is depending on the lottery or get rich quick schemes to solve your financial issues while spending money you don't have. It's living way outside your means. It's not paying your bills and skipping town to avoid creditors. It's blaming others for your problems instead of accepting responsibility for yourself. Repeatedly.
You can be rich and still be white trash. My family also happened to be poor too.
Because of that, I've always had some pretty big dreams as to what I wanted. I wanted a two-story house with a white picket fence. Because when I was a little girl in the twin bed I shared with my sister, staring at the ceiling in our trailer that's what I imagined only rich people had. And I got it.
I've always loved convertibles because to me that was a rich person car. And I got one. Technically I've had 4 now. And it was everything I ever dreamed it would be.
Man I miss Pinky.
And I always wanted a swimming pool. It was the ultimate symbol of "making it". I've always been a bit of a sun worshipper. I've always felt most at peace when laying out in the sun, preferably by a body of water. And I got it. And it was everything I ever dreamed it would be and more.
Should we talk about vacations? Places like Hawaii and Europe always seemed like they may as well have been on another planet - I was that likely to go to them. And yet I've had some incredible vacations...especially the last 5 years. Hawaii, a European cruise, Paris, London twice - all in the last 5 years. How was that my life?
I also feel compelled to say that I routinely told him that if my life were to remain the status quo for the rest of my life that I would be happier than I ever dreamed possible. And that started when we lived in an apartment together. All of these dreams were great but I didn't need any of it. I was just happy to have found someone that felt so right. That supported me and loved me (I thought) and encouraged me. Someone that got all my references and music and movies. Someone that was happy just to be with me.
None of this is to brag. This is all about me putting it out into the universe that I KNEW how lucky I was. And I shared it with someone I thought was the love of my life. And I could not have been more grateful. And I posted it all on Facebook as a public declaration that I knew how lucky I was. That I was grateful. And I told him all the time in private too.
Somewhere around our 9th anniversary in 2017, I started wondering what I could possibly give him for our 10th. I wanted to renew our vows but he was less than enthusiastic about it. I just thought he thought it was silly but I guess we know why now.
I decided I would write in a journal every day for a year. I would put it in writing how much I loved, appreciated, and supported him every day.
And I did. 365 days. Some entries were longer than others. Some more poignant. But I wrote something EVERY SINGLE DAY. I added photos. And this was a big deal for me because I've never been good at journaling. But it was important for me to tell him what he meant to me.
And when I gave it to him on our 10th anniversary, December 13, 2018, he barely acknowledged it. I thought maybe he was embarrassed because I gave it to him in front of Ilayda. And I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me that he never said anything about it later. After all, I spent a YEAR creating it. I poured my heart and soul into it. But he was never effusive so I just accepted it.
Of course later I found out he'd already been to a divorce lawyer and was planning to leave me.
I always knew I got more out of our relationship than him. I tried to be the best companion, friend, partner I could be. And I know I was because I gave him all of me. Because he was all of that and more to me. He made my dreams come true. It just wasn't enough.
But that doesn't negate how lucky I was.
But I know I am still lucky. It's just different. And I remind myself everyday. I have an enormous amount of friends that love and support me. That have been there for me during the worst time of my life. I lost nearly everything. But I didn't lose you. And I have a blossoming group of new friends. I would do anything for you too. I'm still lucky. Just different.
I have a nice place to live, even if it isn't my dream anymore. And I have a very nice car, even if it isn't a convertible. I'm still lucky. Just different.
And I'm still traveling. I've been to New York already this year and it was so fun I've already got a return trip scheduled in December. And I'm going to England, Scotland, and France in October. I don't know if I can keep traveling like this but I at least have this year. And none of these trips will be as luxurious as they once were but I know I will still have an amazing time. I'm still lucky. Just different.
I'm even dipping my toes into the dating pool. And I've found a really nice guy that seems to like me in spite of the fact that I'm a bit of a train wreck right now. In spite of the fact that I am reluctant to make any kind of a commitment right now - because I'm not even sure I should be dating. That understands what I've been through and is willing to wait while I sort through things.
I'm still lucky. Just different.