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Struggling

Originally published on Facebook on 04/18/2019

My biggest struggle - out of all of them I am currently facing right now - is not having all the answers I need.


I’ve asked. Repeatedly. Possibly to the point of pathetic. I have given up and then tried again later. And given up again.


I just want to understand why. And I don’t understand how someone that allegedly “cares for my well being” can be so cruel. I don’t understand how someone I considered the love of my life can see me in so much pain and not care. Or, not care enough to try to help.


I don’t understand why my questions are so hard to answer. When you make a decision as life altering as this, shouldn’t you be able to defend it from every angle? I don’t understand how you can just walk away from your family after 12 years and not give a shit about how it impacts them.


I don’t understand how I came to mean so little to him.


I wish I could not care. I wish I could ignore someone when they ask me a question. I wish I could be heartless and cruel and just not care. It takes a lot of wrongs and a lot of years to get me to that point - I can’t just turn off my feelings. And I wish someone could tell me how.


It isn’t fair that I hurt so much and the one person that could actually help me heal doesn’t care enough about me any more to do it.


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