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Two Months Later...

It's been two months since I was laid off.

Two months of unemployment and depression.

I'm not okay. I know I will be...eventually,,,but right now? Not so much.

I don't sleep well. I still find it challenging to get out of bed in the morning. I'm pretty good about staying out of it once I am up because I make the bed, but that initial move out of the bed is getting harder and harder.

I'm not even sleeping in anymore. Most days I am up by 8:30. I just lay there playing games on my phone.

And I go to bed the night before with the best of intentions. I am pretty sure I've told myself every night for the last month that tomorrow I will really scrub the shower.

But so far, tomorrow never comes.

Today I stayed in bed until almost noon. After getting dressed and making the bed, I sat down at my desk, determined to find a doctor to get this gallstone situation taken care of.

I did get a recommendation from a friend but that's turned out to be a frustrating bust. I can't make an appointment until they have my medical records. So I called the hospital to have my records sent but they won't send them because they have to be requested by the doctor. So I called the doctor back to tell them they have to request and they said they can't.

What the actual fuck.

I can access my records online and send them to my provider securely but this doctor only wants faxes and I can only send online via email.

And this is just one of the MANY reasons I wanted this taken care of when I was at the hospital.

I got so frustrated with that I moved on to my second least favorite thing to do - look for a job. At least today there were postings - yesterday there were literally no new jobs posted within the last four days.

But today, there were a lot. I culled through 400 jobs. That is not hyperbole. 400. Know how many I applied for out of that?


Three possible jobs out of 400.

Don't worry, I'm still applying like a man. I did not have all of the qualifications for any of the jobs I applied for, but they sounded interesting and I know I could do them.

The bulk of the postings though are nurse or nurse adjacent and IT. I admire any medical professional and in spite of my career test results, medicine is not where I should be.

And IT? I still have problems using my laptop mouse pad if that's an indicator for you of how well I know computers.

I still haven't received an inkling of interest from any of my applications.

So yeah. Job search is not going so well.

I'm still looking at all jobs instead of narrowing the search by location or job description so I am looking for anything that catches my eye.

My problem is I feel most confident applying for mortgage and mortgage adjacent jobs. I see a few administrative assistant jobs here and there but I don't want to go back to that. I can, but I know the pay sucks and most admin jobs are onsite.

And onsite jobs mean new clothes, new car, and is my hair going to be a sticking point? I know it doesn't look great right now but one of the many reasons I like working remotely is I don't have to worry about my hair color.

I don't want to go back to boring.

I know - I'm repeating myself. But this job search is sort of all consuming right now. Made all the more complicated by I have no qualifications for anything other than retail, admin, or mortgage.

And I don't really want to do any of them.

I will. I will take whatever I can get. But finding the jobs to apply for is the trick, isn't it?

But for real though. #brokebutnotbroken

Did I tell you that I thought about going back to school? That died real fast because my credit is currently in the garbage due to reasons and I do not believe I would qualify for financial aid. But also I don't know what I would go back to school for.

I don't want to continue my original degree plan. In case you didn't know, I was a Theatre major in college. I wanted to be an actress but was pursuing my degree to be a teacher. But I couldn't be a teacher now.

I know teachers and I do not know how any of you do it. I'm one step away from being agoraphobic with all the shootings.

Honestly the most recent one in Allen really shook me. I had been out shopping that day. I could have very easily decided to go to the outlets. Nothing is safe anymore.

But I digress.

So teaching is out (PS I believe all teachers are underpaid). My next attainable career goal was librarian. I love to read and I always thought being an elementary school librarian would be a dream job...I love the idea of helping to instill a love of reading in children (even though I failed that with my own kids).

Back when I was on maternity leave I looked into pursuing the librarian route. Did you know you have to have a Master's Degree to be a librarian? I didn't. And back in 1997, the starting salary for an elementary school librarian in the Carrollton Farmers Branch ISD was $24k.

I know, because I looked it up.

Getting a Master's Degree is not cheap. The starting salary for a job that requires a Master's Degree should have been at least twice that. I made nearly $24k working as a retail manager at the mall!

No degree required.

And while I am certain those numbers have changed, I feel confident saying the pay is not commensurate with the education costs.

Because salaries have not kept up with inflation in general.

Case in point? Whataburger has a manager position posted with a minimum starting salary of $60k. That's more than my base pay at my last job, where I was underpaid.

And I am not putting down fast food managers - that job sucks and should pay well. But after over 10 years in the industry I feel I should be making more than a fast food worker.

I can't go back to wedding planning because I just cannot be on my feet for 10 hours (which for the record also rules out retail and fast food).

I'd love to be an interior decorator but I don't know how to break into that.

I'd also love to be a professional organizer but it's the same issue. I don't know how to break into that. And I assume the pay would be shit while breaking in to it.

But then, shit pay is better than nothing.

I don't want to reinvent myself at 52 years old but I don't know what else to do. And I don't know what to reinvent myself into either.

I'm having an identity crisis.

And I never tied my self worth into my job - because that's all they've ever been really. Just jobs. I don't think I've ever felt like anything was a career.

For example, I've never had a job I wouldn't quit if my vacation request was denied.

Maybe the last one but that's more because I loved the team than the job and if Chip or JB denied a vacation request they would have had a good reason.

I miss my team.

What do you do? Do you like your job? Is that a field you would recommend to a friend? Do you think I could do it someday? I'm really interested, even if it means I have to start at the bottom and work my way up.

What do you think I should be when I grow up?

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