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Wasn't 1989 Just Yesterday?

Spoiler Alert: he wasn't there.

So this weekend some of my old high school classmates got together to reminisce for our 30th high school reunion. Because we graduated THIRTY YEARS AGO. What?

A month ago I wasn't sure I could go. I was still crying. A lot. I couldn't answer a simple "how are you doing" from a stranger without spilling enough sordid details about my life to make me break down and cry. How could I even think about going to my reunion where maybe 50 old friends would be coming up to me and gushing "oh my god how are you?!"? Like I for real just pictured myself huddled in the corner alone and crying. Does that sound like a good time to anyone?

But, as you know if you've been following along, D-Day came and went and although it was HORRIBLE I really have been ok ever since. I still get sad when I think about all I have lost but if I'm being honest - and you should know I am - now it is much more about the THINGS I lost. Not him.

My apartment is nice. But it isn't my dream house that I spent the last 3.5 years creating. My patio is nice. But it isn't the backyard oasis I had always dreamed of that had finally become my reality. My car is nice. But it isn't my dream car - my pink bug convertible that I always wanted and finally had. And frankly identified with on a much deeper level than I realized.

I know these are just things. And I hear you when you say I will have them all again - maybe even better - some day. Maybe you are even right. But right now, all I can focus on is that I had it all. I had my dream - even if it was for just a little while. And I am having such a hard time being, that's not entirely right...not being sad. I'm sad when I walk up to my empty apartment because it isn't my dream house that I loved and no one is there waiting for me. And I'm sad when I walk up to my car because I miss my convertible. And I'm a little bit sad on my patio because I'm not sitting out by my pool playing fetch with my Trixie.

And even if what I had with him wasn't as real to him as it was to me, I miss that too. I miss having a constant companion. I miss having someone to talk to and have fun with. What we had was beautiful and special and I knew it even if he didn't and I want it so badly again. Except I want it to be real.

Great. I've made myself cry again.

Back to the reunion. My friend Meri and her wife Jen came to stay with me this weekend - thereby ensuring I would not only go to the reunion festivities but would also not be sad and lonely once there. Let me say this - do not underestimate the power of hugs. I miss hugs - he was a good hugger. Meri gave me one the minute she walked in the door. A good long hug - I finally felt all the virtual hugs she'd been sending me these last few months.

We arrived a little early on Friday night to have dinner with Jennifer (not the same as Jen, she actually wasn't here yet). I'm pretty sure I haven't seen her since high school but we've been Facebook friends for awhile. And she gave me a nice long hug too. And we all wished Julie was there but she's in Germany so that's a pretty solid excuse for missing the reunion. Pretty soon we were joined by quite a few old classmates. And I received many more long awaited and much needed hugs from old friends. And I didn't cry once all night.

Also - confession time. There was one guy at the reunion I was quite attracted to (and no, I did not remember him from high school though I did mark him as someone I knew in my yearbook. He was cute then too.)

This is probably my all-time favorite photo of me because this WAS me in the '80s. More flattering photos exist, but none quite encapsulate me the way this one did. Sophomore year, 1986

Unfortunately he is not single so that's a dead end. Too bad. I would have liked to get to know him. Nice smile too.

Back to the reunion. Saturday night festivities were held at Top Golf. Now, I know Top Golf isn't new but I've never been. As a non-golfer (because evidently mini golf doesn't count) it just didn't appeal to me. I freely admit right here that I was wrong. I had a lot of fun. I wasn't very good at it (unless you keep score like Erika - as in golf, low score is the goal - in which case I kicked ass) but it was fun to imagine that little white ball was him or his French whore and whack it as hard as I could. I definitely want to go back.

Afterwards Meri, Jen, and I went back to my place where I created a profile on - with their help. It's how they met. And I've heard other successful tales and these apps just don't seem to be going anywhere. Maybe because they are free? I thought maybe if I pay for the service the people on there will be more serious? I don't know. I just know I am tired of being lonely ALL THE TIME. I know the thought of a date was terrifying at first - and it is still a bit intimidating - but I feel like I am ready to give it a shot (cute reunion guy made me feel more confident in my readiness). I promise I'm not trying to rush headfirst into a new long term relationship. If it happens and it is right, all the better I guess. But right now, I just want some company - specifically of the male persuasion.

Back to the reunion. We met up with a few of our classmates for brunch this morning then said our good-byes. Meri and Jen came back to hang out for a little while longer before heading home. And just like that, the reunion weekend was over.

So here I am, once again alone in my apartment reaching out to all of you to tell you about my life. There's been no other Hinge activity since I cut the scammer off...which is why I decided to give the aforementioned a go. Nothing to speak about yet, but I'll keep you posted. I hope everyone had as much fun this weekend as I did.

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