Spoiler Alert: he wasn't there.
So this weekend some of my old high school classmates got together to reminisce for our 30th high school reunion. Because we graduated THIRTY YEARS AGO. What?
A month ago I wasn't sure I could go. I was still crying. A lot. I couldn't answer a simple "how are you doing" from a stranger without spilling enough sordid details about my life to make me break down and cry. How could I even think about going to my reunion where maybe 50 old friends would be coming up to me and gushing "oh my god how are you?!"? Like I for real just pictured myself huddled in the corner alone and crying. Does that sound like a good time to anyone?
But, as you know if you've been following along, D-Day came and went and although it was HORRIBLE I really have been ok ever since. I still get sad when I think about all I have lost but if I'm being honest - and you should know I am - now it is much more about the THINGS I lost. Not him.
My apartment is nice. But it isn't my dream house that I spent the last 3.5 years creating. My patio is nice. But it isn't the backyard oasis I had always dreamed of that had finally become my reality. My car is nice. But it isn't my dream car - my pink bug convertible that I always wanted and finally had. And frankly identified with on a much deeper level than I realized.
I know these are just things. And I hear you when you say I will have them all again - maybe even better - some day. Maybe you are even right. But right now, all I can focus on is that I had it all. I had my dream - even if it was for just a little while. And I am having such a hard time being happy...no, that's not entirely right...not being sad. I'm sad when I walk up to my empty apartment because it isn't my dream house that I loved and no one is there waiting for me. And I'm sad when I walk up to my car because I miss my convertible. And I'm a little bit sad on my patio because I'm not sitting out by my pool playing fetch with my Trixie.
And even if what I had with him wasn't as real to him as it was to me, I miss that too. I miss having a constant companion. I miss having someone to talk to and have fun with. What we had was beautiful and special and I knew it even if he didn't and I want it so badly again. Except I want it to be real.
Great. I've made myself cry again.
Back to the reunion. My friend Meri and her wife Jen came to stay with me this weekend - thereby ensuring I would not only go to the reunion festivities but would also not be sad and lonely once there. Let me say this - do not underestimate the power of hugs. I miss hugs - he was a good hugger. Meri gave me one the minute she walked in the door. A good long hug - I finally felt all the virtual hugs she'd been sending me these last few months.
We arrived a little early on Friday night to have dinner with Jennifer (not the same as Jen, she actually wasn't here yet). I'm pretty sure I haven't seen her since high school but we've been Facebook friends for awhile. And she gave me a nice long hug too. And we all wished Julie was there but she's in Germany so that's a pretty solid excuse for missing the reunion. Pretty soon we were joined by quite a few old classmates. And I received many more long awaited and much needed hugs from old friends. And I didn't cry once all night.
Also - confession time. There was one guy at the reunion I was quite attracted to (and no, I did not remember him from high school though I did mark him as someone I knew in my yearbook. He was cute then too.)
Unfortunately he is not single so that's a dead end. Too bad. I would have liked to get to know him. Nice smile too.
Back to the reunion. Saturday night festivities were held at Top Golf. Now, I know Top Golf isn't new but I've never been. As a non-golfer (because evidently mini golf doesn't count) it just didn't appeal to me. I freely admit right here that I was wrong. I had a lot of fun. I wasn't very good at it (unless you keep score like Erika - as in golf, low score is the goal - in which case I kicked ass) but it was fun to imagine that little white ball was him or his French whore and whack it as hard as I could. I definitely want to go back.
Afterwards Meri, Jen, and I went back to my place where I created a profile on chemistry.com - with their help. It's how they met. And I've heard other successful tales and these apps just don't seem to be going anywhere. Maybe because they are free? I thought maybe if I pay for the service the people on there will be more serious? I don't know. I just know I am tired of being lonely ALL THE TIME. I know the thought of a date was terrifying at first - and it is still a bit intimidating - but I feel like I am ready to give it a shot (cute reunion guy made me feel more confident in my readiness). I promise I'm not trying to rush headfirst into a new long term relationship. If it happens and it is right, all the better I guess. But right now, I just want some company - specifically of the male persuasion.
Back to the reunion. We met up with a few of our classmates for brunch this morning then said our good-byes. Meri and Jen came back to hang out for a little while longer before heading home. And just like that, the reunion weekend was over.
So here I am, once again alone in my apartment reaching out to all of you to tell you about my life. There's been no other Hinge activity since I cut the scammer off...which is why I decided to give the aforementioned chemistry.com a go. Nothing to speak about yet, but I'll keep you posted. I hope everyone had as much fun this weekend as I did.