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Wishful thinking...

I want a dog.


I can't have one and I understand the why of it but it doesn't change the fact that I want one.


I miss Trixie.


You might be tired of hearing me whine about that. If so, I'm sorry.


Actually, not sorry. She was always supposed to have been MY dog and in many ways she was. But it's no secret. She always loved Daniel more.


She (mostly) obeyed me. And I know she loved me. But they had a bond I never could crack.


So when my life turned upside down last year, I just didn't see how I could afford both Spike and Trixie. Plus I knew I would be in an apartment and I honestly didn't think Trixie would enjoy apartment living.


I mean, #same.


But he also led me to believe he was going to leave Trixie with his mom, even going so far as to pay for a new fence for her. So I thought at least she would still have a big yard to run in. And I was planning to move to the Dallas area anyway and naively thought I would still have a relationship with my mother-in-law (spoiler alert: I was as wrong about her as I was about him apparently.). And I thought at least the boys and I could maybe still visit her sometimes.


I had no idea I would never see her again. Dammit. Now I am crying.


Anyway, he decided to take her to Connecticut with him. To live in an apartment.


And I was so angry when I found out. He didn't even have the balls to tell me he was taking her away from me forever - he knew my plan. They were already on the road.


Who even does that? Rhetorical question. We all know who.


So now my precious dog has been living with him and the French Whore and she has probably forgotten all about me which I suppose is better than thinking about her being sad without me.


To be fair, I don't sit around thinking about her all the time or anything. But sometimes a Facebook memory will pop up of her. Or I'll see a dog video that reminds me of her (don't stop sending them Kelly). Or I'll spend time with Magan's dog.


Which is why I am crying and writing this blog on a Saturday morning instead of working on the multiple projects I want to complete before Christmas.


I'm house/dog sitting for Magan and family while they enjoy a brief little vacay. And June is the sweetest dog I've met since Trixie. She is a beautiful chocolate lab that they got from a rescue and all she wants to do in her life is love you.


And eat chocolate candy but that's another story.

Would you look at those ears? #Junebug

Anyway it's just me and June. Rob has come over the last two nights for dinner but I actually told him I need this time away. He's a distraction - in the best way - and I don't get a lot done when he is around. And I need to get some things done.


Christmas is coming!


And June is such a good dog - and she REALLY wants to be a lap dog but she isn't allowed on the furniture and that is a massive struggle for both of us. I'm abiding by the rules but I don't have to like it.


She loves to run. And she hops up and down on all fours when she is excited. And her whole butt wiggles when she wags her tail.


Can you tell I love her?


And I cannot tell you how many times I have almost called her Trixie these last couple of days.


She wants to always be near me (and presumably Magan and/or Darrell). She lays on the floor beside me when I am working and when I say something out loud - like to curse at someone/something work related or to answer the phone - her tail starts thumping. If I get up, she follows me.


She's so much like Trixie.


Oh and she only barks when someone is at the door or when she's having a particularly good dream. In fact, they have a dog next door that barks sometimes and she doesn't even stir. No way Trixie would sleep through that.


I'm glad to be able to spend this time with her. It may make me a little sad, but it also fills a hole I've had for a while now.


I want a dog.


When Spike died a lot of people suggested I get a new cat pretty quickly to help fill the void. But he was such an amazing cat (great, now I am crying harder) that I can't bear the thought of replacing him. And I knew Rob and I were talking about moving in together and he had cats and it just felt like too much.


But earlier this year after volunteering at Operation Kindness, I realized I was ready for a dog. But I realized it literally an hour too late (there was a specific dog I had in mind). So I figured I would just wait and see when the feeling hit again. Except the pandemic hit and I never went back.


Yet the feeling is still there. And I thought maybe a puppy would be easier to introduce to the cats and I am probably right but also I think Rob is right and maybe they would be unhappy. And I don't want to upset them.


I do not want any more furniture peed on.


And yes, Shadow has sort of accepted me but she's not overly affectionate. I know, give it more time. I mean 4 months ago she ran from the room every time I walked in and now she will sometimes sleep with me.


Which makes Rob a little jealous. It's just been him, Lily and Shadow for so long I think he feels slightly betrayed when she shows me affection. Not to imply in any way that he doesn't want the cats to love me (or vice versa).


Let's put it this way: Spike was MY cat. He may have been loving to others but there was never a question as to who his favorite human was. And I won't lie - I did love that. And when Rob came along and Spike would choose to sit in his lap instead of mine? Yeah, I was a little jealous. Happy, but a little bit jealous. I think that's how he feels about me and Shadow.


But he has nothing to worry about. Shadow is a sweet cat but she's never going to replace Spike.


And Lily. OMG that cat. She's warming back up to me but she probably won't be nuzzling my shoulder anytime soon. She is definitively Rob's cat.


And all that is fine but it does leave me feeling a bit like an outsider at times. In my own home.


I don't know why I feel so strongly that a dog is the answer. Trixie is far and away the best dog I ever had. And she did love me. She loved all of us.


I miss her big stinky body lying across my lap (just not the stink) and taking up most of the couch. I miss playing ball with her. I miss pool time with her. I miss letting her lick my Andy's cup.


I miss her burps. That shit was hilarious.


I just miss her.


#missingTrixie #iwantapuppy #stilllucky #infinitelybetter #missingSpike #adoptdontshop #operationkindness

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