Depression is a funny thing.
Not funny haha - funny in that it can manifest in so many different ways. Even within the same person.
When I was married to my first husband, I realized I had been depressed for a number of years. I wasn't sad. I wasn't thinking of harming myself.
But I had become apathetic.
And I believe the Pill was to blame. I had been on the Pill for half my life when my doctor told me I had gotten too fat and had to stop taking it because now I was obese and I had high blood pressure making me an ideal candidate for stroke.
So I stopped taking the Pill . It's not like we had sex anymore. Even worse, I didn't care.
At the time I hadn't considered depression - other than the time I told my doctor I had been diligently trying to lose weight through diet and exercise and he just said I was depressed.
No shit! I am denying myself guacamole and tacos and ice cream and I'm still fat! Of course I'm depressed!
But what I was, was frustrated.
Then I stopped taking the Pill . And suddenly I started losing weight. Not a lot - it was 50 pounds total although right now I would love to lose 50 pounds.
You know what else happened?
I started caring about things again. I mean, I had been happy with my life. I loved my boys and I loved my husband. I had a great job. But I started caring about my appearance again.
And I started caring about not having sex. Unfortunately my husband didn't which is long story short what lead to the demise of that marriage ultimately.
He didn't like me wanting to go out with my friends without him. Or having interests outside of him and the boys. He didn't like me spending money on myself when I needed new clothes because I lost weight.
And the next time I would say I was depressed was in 2019. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Rarely left my apartment. And I cried...for MONTHS.
But I eventually got over it because it was definitely brought on by a significant event and time heals all wounds I guess.
And I am not suggesting that every person with depression will eventually get over it. This is my experience only. Often medicinal intervention is required.
Which brings us to now.
I can't say when I officially switched into full blown depression. I know it wasn't right away. Sure I was sad the day I was laid off but that was because I had genuinely loved that job and I was concerned for my future.
But I never thought I would still be looking for a job a year later.
Today. It's been a year today.
I feel stuck.
I feel like I should go back to school and finish my degree in anything but that fucking annoys me because why does a piece of paper make me more qualified?
And frankly - I can't afford it. Financial aid is not an option for me.
I feel beaten down by applying for literally HUNDREDS of jobs with little results.
I had one failed phone interview in the early days for a job that didn't pay nearly enough with an hour long commute. So I wasn't particularly heartbroken about that one.
I wasn't desperate yet.
And then there was the more recent interview that I felt really good about even if the job was not ideal.
And they decided to rehire someone from the past.
That was the most promising interaction I have had in a year long job search. And I told myself it wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't get it because the commute the first 3 months would have been awful. But it was a good job and I could do it and I was more than qualified.
And yet.
It wears you down.
Spending hours a day applying to jobs with no results wears you down.
I struggle to get out of bed. Still. And it isn't always because I'm sleeping. More often than not I'm just playing on my phone because I know once I get up I have to look for and apply to more jobs.
I eat. I shower. I don't want to hurt myself or others. But it takes everything I have in me to go through the motions.
And then I feel guilty because woe is me I'm sad I don't have a job. Which is more than about having work - it's about the lack of money. We have maxed out most of my credit cards just trying to make ends meet.
And I sit here feeling sorry for myself when I have friends battling cancer. Or that have lost loved ones.
I don't think the drugs are working.
Plus I have insomnia. Most nights I lie awake until at least 2am. Sometimes later. And I've tried melatonin and sleep aids and once I am asleep they help but they don't help me go to sleep.
And I am still usually up at 9am...and by up I mean awake but still laying in bed.
I keep thinking something has to work out soon. But I don't really believe it anymore.
I'm grateful I have Rob. But even he is having a rough time with work right now. It is terrifying having the sole earner be commission only. Especially when what he sells is a luxury product.
Did I mention our A/C went out a couple of weeks ago? Luckily we didn't have to replace the whole thing but it still cost us $4200 to fix.
And at least we had our tax refund so we could pay it but that meant money earmarked for a car is no longer available. And without a second car, I'm still stuck with limited employment choices.
It's the age old Catch-22 - I need a job but I need a car but I need a job so I can afford a car.
Or even better, I need to go back to school so I can get a job but to go back to school I need money so I need a job but I need a car so I can get a job so I can get money to go back to school so I can get a job.
FML