How long have you known me?
When did we meet?
If we met pre-1989, then you might have been witness to my less than ideal beginnings. It's hard for me to remember much about myself during that time because I feel like everything was a struggle. I've been working since I was 16 and before that if you include babysitting. And unlike the majority of my peers, I wasn't working for spending money - so I could have the current LPs or go to concerts.
I worked so I could eat lunch. So I could have clothes for school. And I sometimes skipped lunch so I could pay for modeling school. I thought that was my out.
Although I didn't believe I was even remotely attractive at the time, I'd been told by SO MANY PEOPLE that I was photogenic. People would see photos of me and be surprised it was me. And I thought hmmm...maybe I can make this work. I'll be a model first and then I will find an in to acting and singing.
But I wasn't optimistic. I was determined. I wasn't happy. But I put a smile on my face and I think I faked it pretty well.
I didn't even know if college was in my future. I had a plan though. I was going to move to Florida and establish residency and then I would hopefully attend the University of Florida.
But I chickened out and literally on the last day to submit my application for the fall semester at 4:45pm, I dropped off my application for the University of North Texas.
I wasn't afraid of getting in. I was in the top 15% of my class and was an auto accept. But I have no idea how I thought I was going to pay for school.
That's a story for another day.
If you met me when I was in college for those 2.5 years, then I was always busy and I thank you for sticking around. At one point I was juggling a full course load, 4 jobs, and a boyfriend. I would come home on my dinner break and bake a can of biscuits - and that would be my dinner.
Just biscuits.
I was often late on my rent because payday never seemed to fall just right but Kenneth would cover me for a few days. I know I have never thanked him enough for that.
I tried to pretend I had my shit together. Some days I did, some days I didn't. And I was almost always broke.
I was working 4 jobs and living as frugally as I could and I never had any money. Everything went to bills or school.
But I survived. I eventually quit school because it was just too much - and one of my jobs offered me full time employment and those bills needed to get paid.
If you met me when I was with Dean, then you probably thought I had it all. Especially after we were married. We seemed like the perfect couple with the dream house and the dream kids.
And it was true for a long time. And then it wasn't but I just kept playing the part. Until I couldn't anymore.
Maybe you met me after my first divorce? When I was rediscovering what it meant to be me. What I liked just because I liked it and no one else's opinion mattered. Yeah I was broke again, but I was happy. I knew life could be better but I also knew it could be worse. I enjoyed spending time with friends guilt free.
Here's what they don't tell you about divorce: sure you feel like a failure and a terrible person because you have split up a "happy" home, but when you have your children one week and off the next, it is easier to devote yourself to them 100% when you are with them. And then you can go out and have fun with your friends when you don't. You miss them like hell when they aren't with you but it's easier to soak it in when they are.
I'm not recommending divorce, I'm just saying there are silver linings if you look for them.
Did you meet me because of Daniel? I was so happy. No faking. For the first time in my life I really did have it all: love, money (not rich rich but to poor white trash trailer park me rich), the kids, the house, the car....it was a great life. I had friends and he didn't mind if I went out without him. I pursued my dreams - wedding planning and working from home. I traveled.
I really was happy. And I tried to always be that bright bit of sunshine in someone's day. Spread the wealth.
If you met me in 2019, then I owe you a big thank you for seeing me through that time. The lowest I have ever been. There were times when I thought I would never be happy again. I have never cried so much - and I'm already a crier.
But eventually I did find my happy again. And with that came love and once again I had it all. If you met me after I met Rob, then you know the real me. The happy go lucky look on the bright side of life silver linings me. Sure I was a bit gun shy for a few months, but look at me now.
Well look at me a year ago.
If you met me since April 2023, I apologize. You haven't met the real me yet. I promise you will meet her some day. That's what I keep trying to tell myself.
I went to the doctor today and she is upping the dosage on my happy pills. Doubling it actually. I hope it helps.
I'm so tired of this me but I can't seem to shake her. She's so beat down and discouraged. Things feel so hopeless. It's getting harder and harder to see the silver linings.
I know they are there. Especially the one called Rob. But I hate all the pressure he is under which just makes me feel more useless. And I have a list a mile long of things to do every day and it is a struggle to get past 5.
Get up. Make the bed. Get dressed. Look for a job. Wallow in despair.
Doctor told me I need to make my body listen and not my brain. In other words, do the next item on the list. But it is too hard most days.
Don't worry. I haven't reached the point of self harm. I'll continue to power through. One day at a time. Fake it 'til you make it.
Etc etc etc
She ended the appointment by suggesting I just get any job and I laughed because do you really think it is that easy? Target isn't even calling me. Or Kohl's. I can't just walk in anywhere and say I work here now.
Wait. Can I do that? Is that how it works now and no one told me?
I'll be fine again some day. I just wish it was some day now.
