I know I said I wouldn't talk about it every year. But hear me out...
I didn't even realize what day yesterday was. I didn't realize it until I looked at my Facebook memories this morning and saw my post from two years ago. The one where I told everyone that life as I'd known it, was over.
And I'm not being melodramatic. I lost a LOT on February 5, 2019. And while I won't pretend to be happy that it happened to me, without February 5, 2019, I wouldn't be where I am today.
And I think it's a pretty good fuckin' place.
Since that day, I have been through hell. Certainly not the worst experience a person can go through, but it's no day at the beach either. I lost who I thought was my best friend. I lost who I thought was the love of my life. That was the beginning of a lot of ends for me. That chain of events...
I lost faith in myself. In my ability to know people. In my judgement. I still struggle with how blind I was. How could I not know he was unhappy? How could I not know that he had such disdain for me? How was I that naïve?
And Rob has borne the brunt of that self-doubt. Probably once a week I ask him if he is still happy. If he is still glad he made that first move. If he has any regrets.
So far, he's still in.
I lost some friends that day too. Not all right away. Some were a slower burn. Friendships that had been cooling off ceased to exist. Friendships I thought were solid, disappeared.
But I also gained so much that day and in the coming weeks and months. It is so easy for me to look back on all that was lost but I gained so much as a result of that day.
I found a deeper friendship with so many people. There were people I knew peripherally that came out and embraced me when I needed it. Friends that I knew only because of him mostly via Facebook that supported me then and still support me now. There were people I adored that stepped up and loved me more. That lifted me up when I could not face the day. I learned which of my friends were really there for me and would listen to me cry - sometimes for hours - without judgement. And eventually I even found new friends that helped me navigate my new life. That embraced me as their own.
And I know that 2 years ago I questioned if I was doomed to spend the rest of my life alone. It was so hard moving past those words "...but I'm not attracted to you anymore." And I remember thinking I didn't even blame him for that (remember I didn't know he'd been cheating on me for god knows how long). Hell I was naïve enough to still think he was just unhappy. And I certainly didn't blame him for not being attracted to me. I was already overweight then and I am even heavier now.
And I don't know why I don't necessarily equate weight with attractiveness except when I am talking about myself. I have issues.
But without February 5, 2019 I would have never found the life I have now. And Covid aside, it's a pretty great life. I have a beautiful new dream home. I have an incredible new love of my life. Life isn't perfect, but if we can survive being quarantined together for MONTHS...and still enjoy being together...then I say it is pretty fucking close.
Two more years and I can get a convertible again. And sometime this year...I'm getting a dog whether he (and the cats) are ready for it or not. ;)
So as horrible as it was two years ago and the months after, there was something better waiting for me. And I think I am far enough removed now to even say I am grateful. Without that day, without those losses, I wouldn't be here.
Speaking of here...I've been driving Rob a little batty lately. He might not admit it, but I know I have. Last year we had such an amazing time in the Dominican Republic that we decided we would go back every year for Presidents Day weekend. Of course had I realized that would be the last vacation I would have for over a year, I might have tried to stretch it out a little longer.
And obviously we knew we had to call it off because of Covid. We were in complete agreement. So I had an idea - let's still take time off and just take a road trip. Just pick a direction and go somewhere. No plan. No reservations. Just drive. And although he was uneasy with no reservations, he was in.
And then one day he was talking to his mom on the phone and she suggested we go to Eureka Springs. So now we are going to Eureka Springs. Except the haunted hotel I wanted to stay at wasn't available and we started second guessing our plan/not plan idea.
And then we started thinking maybe flying isn't so bad. Maybe we could still go to DR. But then we checked the CDC list and DR is a level 4 so maybe not.
How about Mexico? The resorts offer on-site rapid Covid testing - and I just want to spend 4 days laying on a beach under a big umbrella sipping drinks with little umbrellas in them. We don't even have to leave the resort. Sure it's a level 4 threat too but if we get Covid they will put us up for 14 days in quarantine for free and I can think of worse things.
And then, right as I am about to book something, Rob confesses he isn't really that comfortable with the thought of flying. Fair enough. Road trip is back on. Except this time I NEED to go someplace warm and apparently the entire US is going to be a frozen tundra next weekend.
Also we live in Texas so leaving the state takes a whole day anyway. Unless we go north and that's not beachy (also frozen tundra).
Key West was briefly in consideration but it's a 22.5 hour drive which means we would get there, spend the night, and have to turn back around. Hardly the vacation I crave.
So then he says let's fly somewhere just domestically. But you know where else is on the CDC level 4 list? ALL OF THE US.
So then I successfully made a pitch for flying somewhere but they had to be on a level 1 or 2 list (because theoretically that would be safer than driving to another state). Finally with a little help from Barb, we settle on Antigua. We found a lovely resort, beach view rooms. Price was sort of within reason. But before we book it, let's make sure those air miles we have will get us there...
....so we will be spending next weekend in Austin.
So yeah. That's a hint of what it is like to live with me. Of course I blame Covid. Otherwise I would be prepping for my trip to DR.
I'm still going to try to socially distance but I also want to see as much of you as I can while we are there. If you are in the area and want to try to meet up, IM me and we will figure something out.
I hope you all know I love you and miss you. Have a wonderful week.