I've been thinking about writing this post for a couple of days and yesterday's news still has me a bit reeling. It's 1pm on Saturday and I am just crawling out of bed. I woke up around 11:30 but I've been moping for awhile.
I'm a little depressed today.
That's not the post I've been planning to write but I'll get back to that.
Yesterday we found out Rob tested positive for Covid. He's been sick-ish for a week but took a turn for the worse on Wednesday when he woke up with a fever. We'd been joking about him not having Covid...not that either of us thinks Covid is a joking matter, just that it seemed next to impossible for us to catch.
We have been so careful. We don't go out a lot. Our circle is very small. I haven't hugged my children since February (well I did hug Xander briefly back in August when he moved to San Antonio but other than that, nothing).
And I hoped and wished that it was the flu.
Welcome to 2020 - when you are crossing your fingers for the flu.
But on Wednesday I made him go get tested. Just so we could be sure it wasn't Covid.
The results were not what either of us wanted to hear.
And here's the thing - I haven't been uber vigilant about keeping my distance from him. We were eating and drinking and watching TV and lighting Hanukkah candles in the same room. I wasn't snuggled up close to him, but we weren't isolating from each other. He was banished to the guest room that night because no matter what he was sick with a fever and one of us needs to try to be healthy.
And I had gone out for a quick haircut the night before. And I did take off my mask at one point but my stylist didn't. And now she is sick too and getting tested and all I can think about is how many people I may have infected that day.
Because after the haircut I finished up my Christmas shopping.
And Wednesday night I went to the grocery store. And I try to be super aware of if I touch something I get it but what if I let my guard down for a moment? What if I passed the cooties along to others?
And I think back to last Sunday when Zach called me because his car died and he needed a ride...and we don't wear masks around each other. And Rob was already sick - what if I passed it along to him?
Zach is very vigilant about wearing his mask at work and when out in public but when he comes over he doesn't mask up.
Or earlier that day when Duncan came over and he and Rob watched football in the movie room with the doors closed. Neither one wearing a mask.
And now I am stuck in my house alone with the man I love while he suffers quietly in another room. And if I am going to be in the same room with him I will mask up because even though I know logically the damage is likely already done, I figure better safe than sorry.
Of course I am scared for him. I hope that he is one of the lucky ones. I hope it doesn't...well, I don't want to put that out there. But you know what I'm thinking.
I'm not trying to be doomsday gloom. I'm trying to be prepared.
And all I keep thinking about is how neither one of us have updated our beneficiaries yet. And I understand that may come across as cold or materialistic but I mean that for both of us. We just bought this house. I don't want either one of us to lose it if the unmentionable were to happen. And I have been talking about making the changes since before we bought the house and we both agreed and now here we are and we haven't done anything.
Where would that leave me? Where would it leave him?
I hate that I am having these thoughts. But Covid aside, we are of an age where what happens after death for the survivor should be a consideration. We have both known people our age that have died within the last month or so. It's a fact of life. I joke about being old but the truth is, I am not so young anymore. And neither is he. And we don't take as good care of ourselves as we both know we should. Here's hoping we have good genes and live for a very long time.
But it doesn't hurt to be prepared.
Maybe it's my wedding planner experience. I like to think that if I have it, I won't need it. That's why every time I would have something happen at a wedding (groom missing his socks) or needed something at a wedding (no corkscrew), I would add it to my emergency kit so if I ever needed that thing again I would have it.
I almost never needed it. But I had it, just in case.
And I won't lie to you. I am feeling sorry for myself because Christmas is cancelled. It is my favorite time of the year. And this is Savreet's first Christmas (not just with us, but ever) and I wanted it to be so special for her. And Xander was approved for several days off work so they could come spend Christmas with us.
I bought gingerbread houses for us to decorate.
I was going to make loads of cookies to decorate. And I couldn't wait to show her my favorite Christmas movies and specials.
I know what you are thinking, we can still do it, just a week later. And I know you are right. But it won't be the same.
Besides, Xander is thinking they may need to wait longer than that before coming. And I don't blame him one bit.
They may even do a drive-by Christmas. And yes, maybe I am being a little woe-is-me overly dramatic but I'm allowed. This is our first Christmas in OUR home and I wanted it to be special.
Special happy. Not special sad.
I don't blame Rob. He keeps saying he ruined Christmas but it isn't his fault. I don't blame him. I blame whatever dicknose contaminated him.
I blame 2020.
And there may be a small light at the end of the tunnel but I'm still concerned about how fast the vaccine happened. I'll get it, but I won't be at the first of the line. No matter how desperately I miss people and want this nightmare to be behind us.
But yeah. That's not the post I was planning to write. Though it does in a weird way feed in to what I wanted to say. Which is how do you define rich?
And here I am specifically talking material wealth.
Because I used to say a lot in the early months of 2019 that I wasn't rich anymore. Trying to survive on just my one income was a huge adjustment for me. I gave up my beloved car. I sacrificed my dog. I started coloring my hair myself. I almost entirely gave up my Pink Drinks.
I tried giving up my nails but that was a bridge too far for me.
I contemplated getting a second job to supplement my income on more than one occasion but something always worked out. I got a small raise or an unexpected bonus. But still, money was tight for me.
And at some point Chase saw pictures of my house in Hutto and he said, I thought you said you were rich (or something like that)?
I told him I was. It just depends on what your definition of rich is.
For me, as someone that grew up on free school lunches or government cheese sandwiches, that lived in a 2 bedroom single wide sharing a room about the size of my current closet (hell maybe smaller) with plastic sheeting for windows my definition might be different than yours.
Growing up my definition of rich was if you had your own room. Or lived in a two story house. Or had a pool. Maybe your family had more than one car or you could afford to buy a school lunch.
I remember when we moved just before 5th grade I was told we were moving to Arizona but we really moved to South Carolina (from North Carolina) my parents just didn't want anyone knowing where we were really moving so it would be harder for creditors to find us.
I remember Thanksgiving 5th grade when our family car - the only one we had for a family of four, a white pick up that did not have a back seat - was repossessed (so I guess their stupid plan didn't work). I remember riding the city bus to school or downtown to go to the library.
Did you go on family vacations? Did you travel by plane or stay in a hotel?
Because we went on a few vacations when I was younger. And it was always a road trip. And if it took more than one day to get there, we didn't stay at a hotel. Or even a motel. We parked at a public rest stop and slept in our car.
And I am not saying that to make anyone feel sorry for me. I enjoyed at least parts of those vacations. I didn't mind sleeping on a pallet on the floor (though sleeping at a rest stop was less peaceful).
I did not enjoy standing outside of a casino in Atlantic City in the cold and rain in my Easter dress with my sister (in matching Easter dress) because we were kicked out of the lobby while my parents gambled away inside for who knows how long. In my memory it was at least an hour but I was maybe 10 years old so it could have been 5 minutes. I just remember being scared and cold and wet and mad.
I digress. I just tell you these things to help you understand my definition of rich.
My definition of rich meant having a home with a room for each of my boys and one to spare for guests. It meant a swimming pool. It meant family vacations. My definition of rich is being able to go out to eat if I don't feel like cooking or going to Starbucks if I want to.
And full disclosure - it meant that convertible.
My definition of rich means not waiting until the day the bill is due to pay it. And having money in the bank. I don't need millions to be rich.
I'm sure if you grew up with any combination of the things I mentioned above that your definition of rich differs from mine.
I'll always be frugal. I will always check the clearance section first when I go shopping. I could win the lotto tomorrow (if I ever played) and I would still do those things. It's part of my DNA now. I always have a sort of budget in my mind and I rarely go over it.
But the other night, when I was out there possibly spreading Covid, I went to Target and I didn't even notice what my total was when I swiped my card. Or the next night at Kroger.
It isn't that I didn't consider the individual cost of things. I'm not that kind of rich. But I knew I didn't have to worry about my grand total. And that definitely fits in my definition.
If you have ever been at the checkout prioritizing how items are scanned while watching the total, you know what I mean.
But all that is material wealth and how you define it. And I guess I can say I am rich again. I may not be quite as rich as I once was but I have everything I need and some that I don't so it works. I can afford to set up monthly charitable donations and I give more when I can. I have some money in the bank. It isn't a lot but it's a cushion and that means a lot to me. Heck I have a 401k - it isn't nearly enough to see me through retirement but it is better than nothing.
And lest you think this post is all about money money money, please know I am well aware of how rich I am in love. Rich in friendships. Part of - hell, MOST of - the reason this year has sucked ass is not being able to see all of my friends. I miss you all so much. I know you are still there and I am so grateful for you. I just miss the warmth of your laughter. Your smiling faces. Your hugs.
Doesn't it suck the most that in a year when we all need more hugs we can't get or give them?
I'm not doing so well today. I am worried about Rob. I am worried I could have passed Covid to someone that may not fare that well. I'm sad that I won't have Christmas with my boys for the first time in a very long time. I'm scared. But I'm also hopeful. Hopeful our Christmas miracle is the worst is behind him already and that I stay healthy. That Duncan and Zach stay healthy.
I guess I'll put on my big girl panties and get dressed and move to another room. I'll do some baking and watch some Christmas movies and work on my project. And maybe this funk will lift a little.
Thank you for "listening". Please stay safe.I love you all.