What do you do for fun?
Do you have any hobbies? That was always a tough question for me when creating a dating profile...and always kind of made me feel like a slug. I didn't necessarily feel that way before the dating apps. But everyone was so sporty and outdoorsy....
...and I'm just sitting here like...I enjoy binge watching TV, movies, and reading. All decidedly indoor activities centered around being still.
I need to *move* more.
I had a nice little set up when I first moved in. Had my yoga mat always at the ready here in my office and I would make myself get up and do some crunches or squats or weights. And even though it wasn't much, I do feel like it helped some.
And then one day when Spike was having one of his bad episodes he puked and pooped on said yoga mat. So obviously I threw it out. And I have done no exercising of any kind since.
And it shows.
I even bought a replacement mat but I haven't set it up since because I am concerned it will meet the same fate. And I am fully aware that I can roll up the mat after each use to protect it but there was something about it always being at the ready. It was a subliminal message that I should do a little something. Having it unfurled right in the room was a constant reminder.
Do something. Anything.
I really need to get back to that. Maybe I can set a reminder on my phone or something. I did enjoy my little mini workouts...as much as I am capable of enjoying a workout. And doing a little every day - multiple times a day - added up to more than a single workout most days.
I really need to get back to that. I've never been very good at self-motivating when it comes to working out. And I know I will never be thin again. I've accepted that. I love food too much. And I'm just not motivated (see also: lazy). But I do want to be healthier.
Speaking of health, it was a bad week for Spike. I really thought I was going to lose him. And frankly I'm still not sure I'm not.
Monday was a really rough day. He was obviously in a lot of pain and he didn't eat for nearly 48 hours. And anyone that knows Spike knows how unusual that is. He's as likely to skip a meal as I am.
I took him in on Wednesday and I was as prepared as one can be. I had made the decision - I did not want him to suffer that kind of pain again. Even if it meant saying goodbye. I told him how much he has meant to me and what a good boy he has been and that the pain would all be over soon.
And the vet agreed. She said she would do it. But...
Maybe we could try giving him some fluids. And a shot. And we will start giving him wet food to see if that helps. And we will do a blood test. And he was having a good day. He finally ate that morning. So I said yes.
Believe it or not, I've been second guessing that decision ever since.
Am I prolonging his life for him? Or me? I can't keep taking him to the vet at nearly $300 a pop. I was ready. Sort of.
Now I have an appointment tomorrow morning. We are supposed to get more fluids and a steroid shot - she says it should work for about 30 days. And it will only cost half as much because no blood work and she is going to waive the office visit fee.
And I won't say he isn't worth it. But is *it* worth it? I'm putting off the inevitable. We know his time is limited. We know we are buying him one month at a time. And I cannot see him in that kind of pain again. It was heart wrenching. Am I sentencing him that to once a month now?
And what if it doesn't work?
There are so many what ifs. And I hate that I have no one to discuss this with because he fucking left me to deal with everything on my own. I mean, that's not really true. I've discussed it with Susie and Magan and Rob but none of them can TELL me what to do. He really could have helped me make the right decision.
Life is really hard sometimes. And yet my life is really so fucking easy. Sometimes I am such a white girl I CAN'T EVEN.
So I don't know. Spike still isn't himself. He's eating better again - just not as much as before. And he is still camping out under the chair in my bedroom instead of sitting in my lap the moment I sit on the couch. He's still snuggling - but much, much less. And he isn't sleeping on the bed with me - he's sleeping under the chair. He's just not himself.
I don't know if I am going to the vet in the morning and tell her I've had a change of heart. Or just give it a try and see what happens. Can someone please tell me what the right thing to do is?
Anyway. I need a hobby.