I want to take a moment.
I've never been sure about much in my life...and a lot of the times I *thought* I was sure I was later proven wrong (see February 5, 2019). But the one thing I have never wavered on, never doubted, was that I was put on this Earth to be a mom.
When I was 21, I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis and an ovarian cyst that necessitated removing the ovary. I was told children might not be possible. Now that I think about it, THAT doctor was the second man to ever break my heart. The thought that I might not be able to have children some day was devastating. Of course I knew adoption could be possible but I also knew it was a long, difficult, and expensive process which I couldn't imagine ever being able to afford.
Long story short, I got incredibly lucky. Within a month of trying, I found out I was pregnant. And two months later I found out it was twins. And the luck didn't stop there. I had a dream pregnancy with zero complications. I'm not saying any of this to brag. I am saying this because I *know* how lucky, how blessed I was to have that experience.
I'm the anomaly. I have too many friends with stories of difficult pregnancies with tragic endings. I take nothing for granted.
My friend Jennifer and her husband have wanted a family for years. It isn't my place to share their tragedies. But she posted on Facebook today asking friends to share their Adoption Profile and I would do anything to help them out. So, if you know anyone looking for a great family for their child, please show them this: https://www.stlcfs.org/jennifer-eric?fbclid=IwAR2MxRXG8LyYurmJXPkSC3c3_lDakmLDPtsVI4s1PKDrLlKtBvqAmZVYMbE and please, help boost the signal for them.
I'm not saying I am, or have ever been, a perfect mom. I made plenty of mistakes and I just hope none of them did permanent damage. I lost my temper. I cursed. A LOT. But I loved them. And I know they know that. I know my boys know they can tell me anything. Because I tell them every chance I get and I always have.
I tried my best to raise them better than I was. I tried my best to give them all they needed and enough of what they wanted. I tried my best to raise them to have a good moral compass. To be kind to others. And I am so proud of the men they have become.
Not that it was unexpected, but their love and support these last seven months have meant everything to me. They make an effort to come see me...I don't reach out to them because I know they have their own lives here but I don't think a week has gone by that they haven't at least checked in with me. To see how I am doing. They make an effort to see me.
This divorce has been hard on them too. They loved Daniel. He wasn't just a father figure. He was their friend. And the way he handled things has caused possibly irreparable damage to their relationship. And that makes me so sad.
And worse, Aurie seems to have cut them out of her life as well. It's bad enough that she wants nothing to do with me. I get it. Daniel is her son and she feels like to support him she has to villainize me I guess. But I don't understand how she can walk away from the boys? How either of them can for that matter. I just don't get it.
The other night Zach came over because he wanted me to help him bake a carrot cake. And Xander came over too just because. We watched IT in preparation for me seeing Chapter Two today. It was a fun, low key evening hanging out with my boys. Because THEY wanted to. How lucky can I get? Who wouldn't want these two in their life?