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Not Okay

Originally published on Facebook on 03/21/2019

I’ve always been an open book. I always say don’t ask me a question you don’t want the answer to because I will give it.

Everyone asks how I’m doing. I’m not ok. I was truly living my best life. My dream life. I won’t say it was perfect but it was pretty damn close. And I really thought he thought so too. I’ve never felt more in sync with another person. I’ve never trusted anyone the way I trusted him. I’ve never been loved the way he loved me. He made me feel like I could do anything. Like I deserved to be loved. And I cannot comprehend how wrong I was. I cannot comprehend how much of my life was a lie. I don’t know how to move past this. I don’t know how I am ever going to be able to love or trust anyone ever again and that terrifies me.

Everyone keeps saying how strong I am but I don’t feel strong. Do you think I don’t want to just curl up in a ball and cry until I can’t cry anymore? That isn’t an option – I have to work. I do what I have to do. I’ve been so goal oriented since that day but I don’t know what to do now. I got a lawyer. I traded in my car. I found a realtor and sold my house. I got rid of most of my things. I found a new place to live and moved. And I am fully moved in. Now what? What am I supposed to do now?

I can’t believe I am 48 years old and I have to start my life over. I know I should just get over it. I know this isn’t the worst thing that has ever happened. But I was living in my forever home – at least I thought I was. My beautiful home with all of my treasures is gone now and I know they are just things but it hurts. I had plans for my grandkids to visit me there someday. I was supposed to grow old there and now I live in an apartment?

I hate that I am alone now. I hate that my cat is dying and I have to deal with it on my own. I hate how much money all of this is costing me. I have to rebuild my life and I didn’t ask for this and it isn’t fair that it costs so much money. I’m grateful that I have it but now more than ever I need to save my money. It just feels like one more insult…it isn’t bad enough that my life is in ruins through no fault of my own but it has to cost me thousands of dollars. It isn’t fair. But I guess no one ever said life is fair.

I hate that I have no control over this. I hate that I wasn’t given an opportunity to fight for my love, my marriage, my things. I hate that I did not see this coming. I hate that I trusted him and he betrayed me in the worst possible way. I hate that I only ever asked 3 promises from him and he broke every one of them.

Everyone asks why don’t I hate him? I hate what he has done. I hate how he has done it. I hate that I now question if any of it was real – and that he won’t give me an answer. I hate how wrong I was about him. But despite how completely broken I am, despite how wrong I may have been about at least the last year – maybe longer – I loved him. I loved him with every fiber of my being and that didn’t stop on February 5th. Whether it was true for him or not, I loved every minute of my life with him. He believed in me. He supported me. He at least pretended to love me in a way that I never dreamed possible. He was an excellent father to Zach and Xander – they are who they are in large part due to him. He gave me a life I had barely dared to dream of. And recent events do not erase all of that. My memories of the last year may be tainted in hindsight but I have to believe the 11 years before that were true.

I’m not okay. Some days are better than others. I don’t cry every day any more. Some days I even have moments when I feel normal. They don’t last long, but they are there. I know I will get over this. I know that I will be ok. But not today and probably not tomorrow. I even know that someday I will be foolish or optimistic enough to get out there and search for love again but I also know that I will always question it. I know that I will never be able to give myself 100% to anyone ever again. And I hate that.

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