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Sneak Attack of the Feels

Man. Sometimes things really sneak up on you.

It’s been a tough week. And it’s only Tuesday.

I sort of thought this might be a hard week. Or maybe it wouldn’t, and I was worried for nothing.

It’s my anniversary week.

11 years ago, this Friday I married who I thought was the love of my life. My forever. And it is so weird to me that we won’t be together ever again.

I’ve been trying to avoid my Facebook memories but it’s hard. I usually love the reminder of what I was thinking or doing ON THIS DAY. But I admit some of those memories are a bit more painful in light of the events of this year.

You know. It being 2019 and all. AKA the year that sucked beyond reason.

I even warned Rob last week. I told him I had no idea if I was going to be an emotional wreck or meh about it all. It’s actually why I chose this weekend for my trip to NYC. Because when I booked it I had no idea what my life was going to be like by this time and I thought a trip to NYC at Christmas would be the perfect thing to keep my mind off the fact that it wasn’t my anniversary anymore.

And to be honest, I’ve been ok so far. Until tonight.

We were watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer because Rob never watched it. And duh it’s awesome. And I’ve been wanting to re-watch for a while, so this was a great excuse. We are currently finishing up Season 3. And tonight, was Prom.

Spoilers ahead (but also if you haven’t watched BtVS by now shame on you – fix this immediately).

Prom is the episode that Angel breaks up with Buffy. And post break up she’s sitting on her bed and talking to Willow when she just breaks down.

And I felt it in my core.

Sure, it was a little melodramatic for a high school breakup, but I swear the way she cries and hugs Willow and says she can’t breathe?

That was me and Susie on February 5th. And I was unprepared for the onslaught of emotions from remembering how I felt that day. Full disclosure I am crying right now reliving it.

SMG really did deserve an Emmy for her work on Buffy because that was real.

And I’m not crying now because of the loss of him. I’m remembering the pain and the confusion and the isolation and the devastation and the humiliation and did I mention the pain? Because that’s what I’m remembering.

And I’m crying all over again for February 5th Suzanne because as devasted as she was, I know it got worse. Much worse. And the hits kept coming.

And if an episode of Buffy is going to sneak up on me like that, I am a little worried about the rest of the week.

And Rob was so sweet.

I hope he knows I wasn’t crying over Daniel. I told him I wasn’t, and he said he knows but I mean I hope he REALLY knows. Because I wasn’t crying over him.

Anyway, that was a sad start huh?

Moving on.

This past Saturday night, Rob and I did a Christmas Lights Tour through Highland Park. There was dinner, gelato, adult beverages, and best of all rich people Christmas lights!

I mean really – I can’t imagine what it costs to put up those light displays. They sure were pretty though.

Yes, that's Big Tex's head. The original.

And the whole time I kept thanking Rob. Because first, he’s Jewish even if he is non-practicing. Second, he isn’t really a big fan of Christmas. But he did it anyway. Because I wanted to.

Just. Because. I. Wanted. To.

In the 12 years I was with Daniel, I can remember maybe a handful of times he did anything Christmas-y with me. Most of that was when the boys were younger. I mean it was fine. We didn’t have to do EVERYTHING together. And it meant so much to me when he did…but even then, he did it begrudgingly. Christmas just wasn’t his thing.

And it isn’t Rob’s thing either but it’s my thing and that’s enough of a reason for Rob. He didn’t once make me feel like there wasn’t something else he’d rather be doing.

He hasn’t embraced the Hallmark movie love yet but I’m working on it.

Maybe I had to experience Daniel in order to appreciate that about Rob? Nah. I’m pretty sure I’d have appreciated him no matter what.

After all, it was pretty early in our not-yet-a-relationship that I was concerned because he seemed like boyfriend material and I didn’t want a boyfriend.

I just wanted a rebound. To have a little fun. But no. I can’t even have that can I? I have to go and find an awesome guy and jump right back into another relationship.

I suppose there are some good things about 2019.

We’re Facebook official now. Did you see? I figure it’s been nearly 5 months I should stop fighting it. Or did I tell you that in my last post? I don't remember.

Frankly I would have done it sooner, but I didn’t think about it. Of course, I think I went straight from MARRIED to DIVORCED so I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise.

Oh and last night I finally met my first fur grandbaby Apollo and OMG he's adorable (don't believe me, check out the pic above that Xander sent after he went to bed). I can't wait to start playing...I mean, Operation Kindness. I had to post-pone due to feeling under the weather previously but I'm excited to start next week.

Anyway, work has been incredibly busy and when I haven't been working I've been watching Hallmark. And baking. And general merry making.

I'm sure I will have an obnoxious post next week all about New York at Christmas. Bet you can't wait. ;)

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